Random Joke Thread

[KG4CGC]

Got one? Post it here!



Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"







Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."





A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."





"What kind of murderer has moral fiber?"
— "A cereal killer."







Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."






A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."




A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."







A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "but that would make no sense at all!"

[NY3V]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

http://forums.digitalspy.co.uk/showthread.php?t=554974

[NY3V]

http://video.staged.com/preacher/alcohol_test

Alcohol Test

[X-Rated]

So a termite walks into a tavern and asks, "is the bar tender here?"

[X-Rated]

Three cowboys in a bar see the sexiest showgirl they had ever seen before. The cowboy who hailed from Texas hands her his sixshooter and says, "I am the manliest cowboy in the bar and to prove it you can shoot off one of my fingers." She was mildly impressed and complied leaving him with 9 digits at the end of his arms. The cowboy who hailed from Oklahoma saw this display of manliness and offered to her two of his fingers to show he was better. She has a blast and he walked away heavily bandaged. Then the cowboy from Kansas drops his drawers and she asks if he wants her to shoot his junk. He replied, "No ma'amm. Stroke it a few times and it will shoot off by itself".

[KG4CGC]

Moms who drink and swear (https://www.facebook.com/momswhodrinkandswear?ref=stream)

We are watching "A Christmas Story." My daughter doesn't get why the leg lamp is funny and is confused by Ralphie's description of it as electric sex in the window. She declared that she will never have "electric sex." I told her that she should never say never.

[kb2vxa]

An Italian boy's confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is

"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

Speaking of electric sex: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Isrd7E5nzIQ

[KG4CGC]

↑↑ BINGO! ↑↑

[W4GPL]

What did the buffalo say to his kids as he dropped them off at school?

Bison.

[X-Rated]

There were 2 department stores down the street from each other. One had a candy store upstairs and the other one had a whorehouse upstairs. The one with the candy succeeded and the other business failed. The owner of the other department store went to the competitor and asked him, "How did you succeed when I failed?" The reply, "You had too much effin' overhead."

In another village, there were 2 department stores across the street from each other. One was run by a Texas Aggie and the other was run by a Jew. Both stores looked the same and had similar inventories, yet the Aggie would stand at his window and watch people going in and coming out loaded with merchandise. This went on for many months and the Aggie decided to visit his neighbor to find out how he was getting so much business when he was getting so little. So he put up hes "Be Back Later" sign and ventured to visit his neighbor. Upon asking his question, the Jew answers, "Well, I shouldn't be sharing my secrets with you, but you are a good person and I can help. Watch me deal with my next customer and see how it's done." The next customer is a woman who asks for grass seed. The Jew says, "One bag of grass seed coming up. How about a garden hose and sprinkler to water it?" The woman nodded. Then the Jew asked, Then with all your tall grass, you will need a lawnmower." The woman then picked out a lawnmower. The Aggie grew a huge grin on his face and he thanked the Jew as he watched the woman depart the store loaded with merchandise. He went back to his department store and opened up as a woman walked into the door. He asked, "How can I help you today, ma'am?" The lady indicated she needed a box of tampons. The Aggie said, "One box of tampons coming up. How about a lawnmower to go with that?" She asked, "Why would I want a lawnmower?" He answered, "Well, you won't be getting any. You may as well mow the lawn."

[KG4CGC]

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2012/12/02/teach/
Poignant.

[NY4Q]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.


There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.


And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

[KG4CGC]

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

[KG4CGC]

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.



What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!



What's stucco?
What happens when you step in bubblegummo.


She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.


What's the Internet's favorite animal?
The lynx.

In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."


What is the Karate experts favorite beverage?
Kara-tea.



What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
Runway inflation.



What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!



Where do Floridians wash their clothes?
In Fort Launderdale.

"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.
His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."
She said, "Pardon?"
He said, "I said I love you."
She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."
She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"
He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."


What's a frog's favorite drink?
Croaka Cola.



What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.



What does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.




Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber.





What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him?
Get bent

[n0iu]

Two canibals were eating a woman and one says, "Does this taste bitter to you?" The other one says, "Yeah, its my ex wife!"

Two canibals had just finished cooking a missionary and were trying to figure out how to divide him up so they finally decided that one would start at the head and the other at the feet. After a while the one who started at the head says, "Say, this missionary tastes pretty good!" The one at the feet says, "Yeah, I'm having a ball!" To which the one at the head replied, "Slow down, you're eating too fast!"

[K7SGJ]

The scene is an era when cockpits had round dials and pilots needed flight engineers and navigators.

A crusty old captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators who get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.


"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

[WA4TM]

The scene is an era when cockpits had round dials and pilots needed flight engineers and navigators.

A crusty old captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators who get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.


"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

8531

[KG4CGC]

Exactly!
8531

[WA4TM]

8532

[PA5COR]

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says.

“But if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

[PA5COR]

A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking with him. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says,
"We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has really gone south when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what the heck are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

[PA5COR]

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund.

But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

:mrgreen:

[PA5COR]

Registry on the first day back at school in Birmingham , ENGLAND .

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son al En” - silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.
A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen.

[PA5COR]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening after the honeymoon he was assembling some gear for a hunting trip.
His wife was watching him. She finally speaks.
“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns, your boat and the motorcycle.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife? I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't.“
;)

[PA5COR]

A little old lady goes to the doctor ... and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much.
They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing.

[PA5COR]

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response,

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

;)

[PA5COR]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool
and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news."
"The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a
sound mind."
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself
in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved
him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


:shock:

[PA5COR]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.


"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.


Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)


"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.


"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimd," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."


"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,

"What makes you think it's God?"


Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

[PA5COR]

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!"

[PA5COR]

A group of scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

...and had to sit down while urinating.

[PA5COR]

A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, and are just about to have sex on the couch when he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.. Before he could turn around her father said "if ur a real lorry driver u'll be able to back out of there with a full load!!"

[PA5COR]

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here…

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.

[PA5COR]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles'was asked by a white U.3.
Government Official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars & his technological
advances. You've seen his progress & the damage he's done.

The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, Considering all these events, in
your opinion where did the white man go wrong ?"

The Chief stared at the Government official then replied.

"When white man find land, indians running it, no taxes,
no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Woman
did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all
day hunting & fishing; all night having sex."


Then the Chief leaned back & smiled,"Only white man
dumb enough to think he could improve systems like that."

[PA5COR]

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

[WA4TM]

Damn Cor, you're on a roll today!:clap:

[KG4CGC]

:rofl::bbh:

[kb2vxa]

Some are jokes because they're so very true, take an American Indian's view on Daylight Saving time. Only White man's government would think that by cutting the bottom off a blanket and sewing it to the top he has a bigger blanket.

[KG4CGC]

SURGEONS

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed:
'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

[PA5COR]

An oldie, but....

A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.

"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss.
"In the back of the 'cruiser there's a pistol Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it.
When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again,
"I did what you said, boss.I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."

[kb2vxa]

That would never happen if he had a Tarus Bullbar.

[N8GAV]

Two old friends go out to the park for a walk. While they walked one them went on and on about growing old, how he needs help getting dressed, never having enough money anymore. He went on and on until they sat down when. His buddy turns to him and says " I feel like a newborn baby" "Your 84 years old, had your hips replaced and two strokes how can you feel like a newborn?" " Well he says, I am bald headed, I have no teeth so I eat soft foods, and I just pissed and shit myshelf."

[N8GAV]

Wife came home from the Doctors, took off her top and jeans and stood in front of a miror and pranced around. Her husband walks in and asked "What the hell are you doing?" " Well the Doctor told me IF I keep up my diet and exercise program I will soon have the body of a 25 year old" "Well that's nice,", said the husband. "But what did he have to say about your 40 year old ass?" "Why dear I don't recall him saying a thing about you at all"

[NA4BH]

TELL ALL BROTHER, TELL ALL

One day at the 13th Avenue Baptist Church the Pastor proclaimed

"Tell all brother tell all", and your sins will be forgiven

The first person stood up and said

I stole money from my fathers wallet,

Your sins are forgiven, the Pastor said

Tell all, tell all

The second person stood up and said

I saw my neighbor leave for work and took a FEDEX package from their porch

Your sins are forgiven, the pastor said

Tell all, tell all

The third person stood up and said

I coveted my neighbors wife while he was on a business trip

The pastor said, you are forgiven for your sin

Tell all, tell all

The next guy stood up and said

Pastor, I fscked a billy goat

The pastor said

I don't believe I'd told that one brother

[PA5COR]

100% and Mathematics
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint.. and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.

Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!


:cool2:

[PA5COR]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

[WA4TM]

Bubba is driving down a back road in North Carolina.A sign in front of a restaurant reads:




HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL



Lobster Tail and Beer




"Lord have Mercy!" he shouts out to himself as he slams on his brakes...."Dem's my three favorites!"

[X-Rated]

Bubba sez "Laoward".

[NY3V]

A big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman..

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General
George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be Shittin me.'

[NY3V]

8678

[NY3V]

8679

[NY3V]

8680

[X-Rated]

8678

My youngest is WTF.... N8WTF.

[X-Rated]

SAW Filter - Device used by an engineer during a classic magician stunt.

[X-Rated]

She was only a church secretary creating the latest church bulletin, but she couldn't find the baptismal font.

[KG4CGC]

There was a man who had a severely broken foot. A bone from a dog's leg was used to mend it. One day the man was out walking and met his doctor along the way. The doctor asked him, "How are you getting along with that leg?" The man replied, "Just fine, though I have a hard time keeping it down when I pass a tree."


This guy is in the hospital with two broken feet that he got from a car crash.
The nurse comes into the room that he is in and says that she has good news and bad news.
The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, ''We're going to have to remove your feet.''
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, ''The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers.''



I overheard a father yelling at his toddler who refused to sit still in the shopping cart “If you fall down and break your foot don’t come running to me.”



A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his foot plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 buck please if you will."
I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though."

"Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."



What do you call a ghost with a broken foot? Hoblin Goblin.



How does a frog feel with a broken foot? Unhoppy.

[kb2vxa]

Have you ever given some thought to the advantages of being a moonbat?
A moonbat is free to fly around and catch as many bugs as it wants to anywhere it feels like going whereas a wingnut just sits in one spot and spins, getting screwed the whole time.

Nobody who has invested so much time down a blind alley likes the messenger who shines a light at the brick wall ahead.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

News item; A hole has been found in the naturist resort wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass".

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet".

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A dyslexic poet writes in-verse.

In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults; practice safe sects!

[KG4CGC]

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...

Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin...
Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A high school math problem!
Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!

Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: "Your brain is smaller than any >0!"
Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!
Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!
Q: Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant, always insist on taking the leftovers home?
A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!

Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!

Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"

A mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"

A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks it's wrong, but also because he doesn't want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting.
His classmate calms him down: "Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you: I'll be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on."
Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.
After the deadline, the student asks: "Did you really change the names of all the variables?"
"Sure!" the classmate replies. "When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1..."

The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
"Well - just take a larger pot!"

The math teacher asks his students: "What is 9 times 7?"
He gets several answers - all are either 62 or 65.
"Come one - the correct answer can either be 62 or 65!"

"That math prof's marriage is falling apart!"
"No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!"
A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.
"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.
"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."
Theorem. A cat has nine tails.
Proof. No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails.

Trigonometry for farmers: swine and coswine...
Two math students, a boy and his girlfriend, are going to a fair. They are in line to ride the ferris wheel when it shuts down.
The boy says: "It's a sin for those people to keep us waiting like this!"
The girl replies: "No - it's a cosin, silly!!!"

The math professor just accepted a new position at a university in another city and has to move. He and his wife pack all their belongings into cardboard boxes and have them shipped off to their new home. To sort out some family matters, the wife stays behind for a few more days while her husband has already left for their new residence.
The boxes arrive when the wife still hasn't rejoined her husband. When they talk on the phone in the evening, she asks him to count the boxes, just to make sure the movers didn't loose any of them.
"Thirty nine boxes altogether", says the prof on the phone.
"That can't be", the wife exclaims. "The movers picked up forty boxes at our old place."
The prof counts once again, but again his count only reaches 39.
The next morning, the wife calls the moving company and complains. The company promises to check; a few hours later, someone calls back and reports that all forty boxes did arrive.
In the evening, when the prof and his wife are on the phone again, she asks: "I don't understand it. When you count, you get 39, and when they do, they get 40. That's more than strange..."
"Well", the prof says. "This is a cordless phone, so you can stay on the line and count with me: zero, one, two, three,..."

[kb2vxa]

2+2=5 and I'll prove it to you. Get two short pieces of rope, I'll wait..........

Now that you're ready tie two knots in each piece of rope...... (waiting)

Done? OK, now tie them together. How many knots do you have? 5, right?

[KG4CGC]

2+2=5 and I'll prove it to you. Get two short pieces of rope, I'll wait..........

Now that you're ready tie two knots in each piece of rope...... (waiting)

Done? OK, now tie them together. How many knots do you have? 5, right?

I don't know about all that but 1+1=3. Any OB/GYN will tell you.

[X-Rated]

I don't know about all that but 1+1=3. Any OB/GYN will tell you.

Only when you are poking fun at her.

[kb2vxa]

Oh that's just plain sick. (;->)

[KG4CGC]

AND NOW the answers to ASK GOD WEDNESDAY:

1. Adam asked, “Why is Jesus famous for turning water into wine? Just the other day I turned my entire student loan into vodka! Why am I not famous?”

Haha, hoho, what an insanely clever question! Jesus is famous because he’s a stoner who used magic tricks to change the world. You’re not famous because you’re an alcoholic who’s failing out of college.

2. Monica asked, “God... Why do your pastors have to give you 10%, but they don't have to tip servers 18%?”

Any pastor that refuses to tip his server is a worthless shitbag. Servers work 8% harder than God, especially when it’s a party of 6 or more. I would never take a table that big! Folks, make sure to tip your servers.

3. Amber asked, “God, what do you do with that 10% of their earnings people pay you? Do you save it or spend it all at once?!”

I don’t see a dime of that money!! I’m broker than Al Roker. Actually, Roker is on TV so you know he’s got some money…….WHATEVER! The point is, I’m getting frigging hosed!#@$%!%

4. Carl asked, “Hi God. Is Tupac in Heavon?”

Sometimes. Tupac goes wherever he wants; Earth, Hell, Limbo, Heaven, Heavon, it doesn’t matter. I don’t get in his way. Tupac’s a crazy motherfucker.

5. Jason asked, “Why don't you write a Bible?”

Sure thing, I will. Currently I’m working on an ‘Ask God’ book. After that, other books will follow.

6. Andrew asked, “If Jesus smoked weed would you ground him? Or are you cool with that?”

No, I’m cool with it. I figure Jesus has suffered enough, ya know? Let the kid have some fun.

7. Meg asked, “Why does my boyfriend only read the bible when his dog is licking his balls?”

Your boyfriend is Southern Baptist. It’s just their way.

[NY3V]

7. Meg asked, “Why does my boyfriend only read the bible when his dog is licking his balls?”

Your boyfriend is Southern Baptist. It’s just their way.




What does his dog do when she reads the bible?

[kb2vxa]

Nothing, she's Jewish and clams aren't Kosher.

[KG4CGC]

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.
A proctologist is the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there.
Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases. One proctologist tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers. The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked, "Where did those flowers come from?" The other proctologist answered very cooly, "How should I know. There wasn't any card!!"
A proctologist pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen."

[X-Rated]

Where does a Proctologist go to get his butt serviced?

Internal Rectal Service.

[KG4CGC]

Analysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[X-Rated]

So there was this traveling salesman traveling through Arkansas when his car broke down out in the country. So he walks up to a farmhouse for some help. The farmer says he can help in the morning but it is late and he needs some sleep. He explains that he has no spare bedrooms so the beleaguered traveler would have to bed down with his daughter. He reluctantly agreed. The next morning, the farmer asked how the evening went. The salesman said that it was alright, but it seemed like every time he kissed the girl, she had maggots in her mouth and seemed dead. "Maggots!" The farmer exclaimed. "Dems not maggots. She was just married last week. Dats rice!"

[KG4CGC]

Uniral Cake.

http://cakefriday.wordpress.com/2009/12/22/urinal-cake/

[NA4BH]

https://d17tpoh2r6xvno.cloudfront.net/links/5087026d6d377_thumb.jpg

[NA4BH]

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

[KG4CGC]

That was a parable.

[NA4BH]

That's not geometry. Is it?

[KG4CGC]

Nnnnope.

[NA4BH]

Candle wax?

[KG4CGC]

Truffle oil.

[NA4BH]

Truffle oil.

That's in the cumquat family.

[KG4CGC]

cumsquats?

[kb2vxa]

Elephant's cumquat, lots of cumquats.

[X-Rated]

Crystal manufacturing slogan : Our crystals are like elephants. They come in quartz.

[NQ6U]

Crystal manufacturing slogan : Our crystals are like elephants. They come in quartz.

I've killed people for less than that...

[KG4CGC]

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?''
The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.''
St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.''
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, ''Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?''
The nun is a little reluctant but replies ''Well once I fondled and stroked one.''
St. Peter says ''OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.''
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says ''Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!
''The nun replies, ''If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

[WA4TM]

A cross-country trucker who has been on the road for three weeks


straight stops into a brothel outside Las Vegas. He walks straight up

to the madam, drops down $1000 and says, "I want an ugly woman and a

bologna sandwich."


The madam is astonished. She says, "But sir, for that kind of money

you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."


The trucker replies, "Listen, sweetheart, I ain't horny. I'm homesick.

[NQ6U]

A cross-country trucker who has been on the road for three weeks


straight stops into a brothel outside Las Vegas. He walks straight up

to the madam, drops down $1000 and says, "I want an ugly woman and a

bologna sandwich."


The madam is astonished. She says, "But sir, for that kind of money

you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."


The trucker replies, "Listen, sweetheart, I ain't horny. I'm homesick.



Hey! That madam promised me she wouldn't mention it to anybody!

[VK3ZL]

Little Johnnie's sister..
Oh No!! He has a Sister??


Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face
and told her mother "Frankie showed me his weenie at the playground today"

Before Mother could express concern about it, Sally went on to say
"It reminded me of a peanut".

Relaxing with a little smile Sally's Mum said, "Really small was it"??

Sally, "No Mum...Salty"...


Bob..VK3ZL..

[K7SGJ]

A CHURCH STORY

A small church had a very attractive big busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won 't be able to talk properly for awhile.

The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said...
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”

[K7SGJ]

John O 'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here 's to spending the rest of
me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here 's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he 's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him
by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[W5GA]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours’ were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

" Do you think that will work ? " she asked.

" It just worked for me !! " he replied.

[KG4CGC]

A Louisiana state trooper pulls over a woman for speed.
As he walks up he flips open his ticket book and the woman says, "I bet you're here to sell me tickets to the Louisiana Trooper's ball.
He replies, "Louisiana State Trooper don't have balls."
A Moment of silence passes and he flips his book closed.
Tipped his hat and he got back in his car and left.

[WA4TM]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.’”

[WA4TM]

8951

[WA4TM]

8953

[K7SGJ]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must 've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff, but before she could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate her!"

[K7SGJ]

"My First Condom"

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out

[HUGH]

A young lady with lisp went to the doctor.

"What seems to be the trouble?"

"Well, I have a bad cough doctor."

"OK, lets have a look at you."

Doctor gets out stethoscope, "Big breaths."

"Yeth and I'm only sixthteen."

[WØTKX]

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way.
So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!

[NQ6U]

Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian Universalist with a Jehovah's Witness?

A: Someone who knocks on your door but doesn't know why.

[ki4itv]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. Obviously there was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal:

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, both sides agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

[NQ6U]

This guy goes into a bar. No, wait, He doesn't do that yet. Or maybe it's a grocery store. Okay, it doesn't matter. Let's say it's a bar. He's somewhere in the vicinity of a bar, right? So, anyway, there's this dog and he says something odd. I don't remember, but this other guy says, um, well, I forget. But it was funny.

[PA5COR]

^Old age does that to you O.M. ;)

[KG4CGC]

This guy goes into a bar. No, wait, He doesn't do that yet. Or maybe it's a grocery store. Okay, it doesn't matter. Let's say it's a bar. He's somewhere in the vicinity of a bar, right? So, anyway, there's this dog and he says something odd. I don't remember, but this other guy says, um, well, I forget. But it was funny.

Joke of the week.

[HUGH]

There were three Indian squaws in the tribe, one slept on a deer skin, one on a buffalo skin and one on a hippopotamus skin.
They all became pregnant at about the same time, the first two squaws each had a baby boy but the third squaw, who slept on the hippopotamus skin, had twin boys.

It proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

[K7SGJ]

There were three Indian squaws in the tribe, one slept on a deer skin, one on a buffalo skin and one on a hippopotamus skin.
They all became pregnant at about the same time, the first two squaws each had a baby boy but the third squaw, who slept on the hippopotamus skin, had twin boys.

It proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Her sister's name was ninety-nine cents. She was always under a buck.

[K7SGJ]

WOMAN STOPS GRIZZLY ATTACK WITH 25 CALIBER PISTOL

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an "itsy bitsy shooter" by a woman facing a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Berretta 25 cal. Jetfire.

Here is the story:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband, we were surprised by a huge Grizzly Bear charging us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs, because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my husband's kneecap was all it took. The bear got him, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.

[K7SGJ]

dupe

[K7SGJ]

A Recent Study of Crow Road Kills in Alberta*~~


A recent AB Govt.study, has found over 200 dead crows near Calgary, Alberta

and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows,

and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu,

to everyone's relief.
http://md13.quartz.synacor.com/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=43322&part=4
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed

by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The Provincial Government hired an Ornithological Behaviorist from Toronto

to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow

in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
http://md13.quartz.synacor.com/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=43322&part=5
His conclusion was that:

The lookout crow could say "Cah",

but he could not say "Truck."

******************************************

[VE7DCW]

WOMAN STOPS GRIZZLY ATTACK WITH 25 CALIBER PISTOL

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an "itsy bitsy shooter" by a woman facing a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Berretta 25 cal. Jetfire.

Here is the story:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband, we were surprised by a huge Grizzly Bear charging us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs, because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my husband's kneecap was all it took. The bear got him, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.

Any story that comes out of Alberta would be just plain cwaaaaazy!!! :rofl:

[K7SGJ]

A nun walks into the mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior ... 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We tryto play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer beforeI devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day ofrecreation was not totally relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell meall about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior- 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit thedrive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hitsa bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't makeyou blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom whathad happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs offdown the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! Andwhile I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out ofthe sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched inhis paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and thehawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his pawsand rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?

[W4GPL]

Q: How can you tell you're in a gay church?

A: Only half of the parishioners are kneeling.

[K7SGJ]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE LOGICAL OLD PEOPLE







A farmer stopped by the local mechanics' shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked upa couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem--how to carry all his purchases home.









While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to getto 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand? Why, thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way, he said 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'








The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[K7SGJ]

No matter what this husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.' That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.

So they go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.

It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!

[KG4CGC]

No matter what this husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.' That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.

So they go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.

It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nSKkwzwdW4

[WØTKX]

Q: What do Republicans and porn stars have in common?

A: They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!