Random Joke Thread

[KG4CGC]

Got one? Post it here!



Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"







Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."





A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."





"What kind of murderer has moral fiber?"
— "A cereal killer."







Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."






A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."




A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."







A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "but that would make no sense at all!"

[NY3V]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

http://forums.digitalspy.co.uk/showthread.php?t=554974

[NY3V]

http://video.staged.com/preacher/alcohol_test

Alcohol Test

[X-Rated]

Three cowboys in a bar see the sexiest showgirl they had ever seen before. The cowboy who hailed from Texas hands her his sixshooter and says, "I am the manliest cowboy in the bar and to prove it you can shoot off one of my fingers." She was mildly impressed and complied leaving him with 9 digits at the end of his arms. The cowboy who hailed from Oklahoma saw this display of manliness and offered to her two of his fingers to show he was better. She has a blast and he walked away heavily bandaged. Then the cowboy from Kansas drops his drawers and she asks if he wants her to shoot his junk. He replied, "No ma'amm. Stroke it a few times and it will shoot off by itself".

[X-Rated]

So a termite walks into a tavern and asks, "is the bar tender here?"

[KG4CGC]

Moms who drink and swear



We are watching "A Christmas Story." My daughter doesn't get why the leg lamp is funny and is confused by Ralphie's description of it as electric sex in the window. She declared that she will never have "electric sex." I told her that she should never say never.

[kb2vxa]

An Italian boy's confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is

"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

Speaking of electric sex: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Isrd7E5nzIQ

[KG4CGC]

↑↑ BINGO! ↑↑

[W4GPL]

What did the buffalo say to his kids as he dropped them off at school?

Bison.

[X-Rated]

There were 2 department stores down the street from each other. One had a candy store upstairs and the other one had a whorehouse upstairs. The one with the candy succeeded and the other business failed. The owner of the other department store went to the competitor and asked him, "How did you succeed when I failed?" The reply, "You had too much effin' overhead."

In another village, there were 2 department stores across the street from each other. One was run by a Texas Aggie and the other was run by a Jew. Both stores looked the same and had similar inventories, yet the Aggie would stand at his window and watch people going in and coming out loaded with merchandise. This went on for many months and the Aggie decided to visit his neighbor to find out how he was getting so much business when he was getting so little. So he put up hes "Be Back Later" sign and ventured to visit his neighbor. Upon asking his question, the Jew answers, "Well, I shouldn't be sharing my secrets with you, but you are a good person and I can help. Watch me deal with my next customer and see how it's done." The next customer is a woman who asks for grass seed. The Jew says, "One bag of grass seed coming up. How about a garden hose and sprinkler to water it?" The woman nodded. Then the Jew asked, Then with all your tall grass, you will need a lawnmower." The woman then picked out a lawnmower. The Aggie grew a huge grin on his face and he thanked the Jew as he watched the woman depart the store loaded with merchandise. He went back to his department store and opened up as a woman walked into the door. He asked, "How can I help you today, ma'am?" The lady indicated she needed a box of tampons. The Aggie said, "One box of tampons coming up. How about a lawnmower to go with that?" She asked, "Why would I want a lawnmower?" He answered, "Well, you won't be getting any. You may as well mow the lawn."