Australia

[PA5COR]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

Aepends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Qo you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[N2NH]

Excellent. I've always liked Aussie humor.
:rofl:

[kb2vxa]

A bit old but still funny. The bit that got me was the American speaking English, he'd be a bit hard pressed until he learned Oztralian. What you hear from Crocodile Dundee and that little green guy is very Americanized.

[W2NAP]

i lol'ed

[KU0DM]

Nice find Cor!

[KN4DS]

A bit old but still funny. The bit that got me was the American speaking English, he'd be a bit hard pressed until he learned Oztralian. What you hear from Crocodile Dundee and that little green guy is very Americanized.

Oztralian's not that different, mate... bit of an accent, but you get used to that straight away.

Been watchin' way too much television from down under lately.

[N8YX]

Oztralian's not that different, mate... bit of an accent, but you get used to that straight away.

You think Pat ('MHZ) has trouble with Black Widows? Put 'im Down Under with funnel-web spiders! :shock:

[KN4DS]

Oztralian's not that different, mate... bit of an accent, but you get used to that straight away.

You think Pat ('MHZ) has trouble with Black Widows? Put 'im Down Under with funnel-web spiders! :shock:

Never been down under, but I'm hoping to get there one day. We do have the odd Australia Post package show up here from time to time (but never, ever Vegemite).

Pat's problems are many and varied, and go far beyond simple spiders. You do have a point, though... the wildlife in Oz would have him walkin' on water.

[kb2vxa]

When you get there and I hope you do you'll find quite a few perplexing words and phrases. Oh they can speak English when they want to as my friends down under do ordinarily but once in a while they toss in something purely Oz just for the fun of it.

Heh, Vegemite or Marmite in the UK somehow I can't get past the idea of eating waste from a brewery. Uh, the notion just hit me, if I ever get to meet those friends I'll probably get a gob of it rammed down my throat, a bit of fair dinkum after some of my comments about the stuff.

http://tankfm.hopto.org/default.asp?iId=JMHLJ

[KN4DS]

I've had to do my share of searching to understand some the purely Oz things that we've run across while watching television series from down under (and we keep up with several).