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Thread: Victim Conversation

  1. #1
    Whacker Knot WTKX's Avatar
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    Victim Conversation

    All Credit to David Gerrold, somebody I follow on Facebook:

    https://www.facebook.com/david.gerro...13402872678621

    Someone asked me for advice today. Here is my response:

    I can give you specific advice but if I did that, I'd be taking away your power to solve this yourself.

    Instead, I'm going to give you a very high level conversation and leave the exercise of it up to you. What you do with what I'm going to give you will determine everything. But do not respond to any of this until you have considered it for a day or two especially not until you have considered the applications.

    First, I'm going to start with a very simple assertion.

    Everything in life is a conversation. Everything starts with a conversation. Everything proceeds in conversation. And afterward, what we know about anything is in our conversation. We are beings of conversation. We live in conversation. We exist as expressions of our conversations.

    THIS is a conversation too.

    If you can get the truth of that fundamental assertion, you are halfway there.
    The second half of that is even more powerful: If we do not use our conversations wisely, our conversations use us.

    The most important choice that any human being will ever have will never be about the circumstances, but about the conversation that he or she brings to the circumstances.

    Now, why is this important?

    Because too many of us are trapped in limiting conversations linguistic constructions that create artificial limits. Or, to put it another way: "Argue for your limits and they are yours."

    So, true mastery over the conversation anyone lives in is found in recognizing the limiting conversations and rewriting them to be conversations of empowerment.

    Let me say it in the simplest possible terms. There is a kind of mind-set that psychologists call "covert hostility." Another term for it is "victim." This is a clinical definition of a particular attitude or conversation.

    The victim lives in a conversation of stifled anger. The anger is comes from a perception that others are to blame for any unmet expectation, any misfortune, any setback, any catastrophe, any circumstance at all.

    By blaming others, the victim gives away his power, gives it away to everything and anything.

    Some examples. The victim lays down on the train tracks, then blames the train for running over him. The victim makes an illegal turn, then blames the cop for pulling him over. The victim steps in front of a bus, then blames the bus driver for not stopping. The victim doesn't pay the electric bill, then blames the electric company for turning the power off. The victim never accepts the responsibility for his/her circumstances, because the victim lives in a conversation of "it's not my fault" or "they did it to me again" or "people can't be trusted" or any other conversation in which he/she has no power.

    The victim will perceive disagreement as attack. The victim will perceive failure as conspiracy. The victim will perceive enemies where there is merely indifference. The victim cannot or will not own the responsibility of his/her own choices and conversations about those choices.

    Got that?

    "They attacked me" is a victim conversation. It doesn't include any personal responsibility. "It's not my fault" is a victim conversation. It doesn't include personal responsibility.

    Here are some more examples. (Taken from life.) "Those lazy Mexicans are sneaking across the border to steal our jobs." "The queers are trying to force their lifestyle on us." "The terrible SJWs are ruining my science fiction." "The sick puppies are ruining my convention." "I'm not running a victim racket! I really am a victim." And my favorite: "I'm not in denial!"

    These are conversations of self-entrapment. The more energy you invest in them, the more real they become. They become the bars of the cage, the walls of the prison and they exist only in conversation.

    Now ... is there a way out? Yes.

    One has to transform one's conversation into a conversation of personal responsibility: "I am responsible for the conversations I create. Therefore I will choose conversations that will produce the results I want."

    That's a tricky one because as we examine conversations, choices, consequences, and results, what we discover is that regardless of what you claim your intention was, your results reveal your real intention. There is a payoff in any choice.

    There are only two real payoffs. One is "I get to be right." The other is "I made a difference. I contributed."

    The victim conversation plays for the first payoff. The victim gets to be right, everybody else is wrong. Every unmet expectation, every frustration, every setback is evidence of how wrong someone else is. "They didn't deliver, they're not dependable."

    The responsible conversation plays for contribution, for connection, for partnership.

    Examples of responsible: "I left the gate open, that's how the dog got out." "Let's check all the locks before we leave the house." "I will not be able to make it on time, can I come in at four instead of three?" "Yes, I made a mess. Let me clean it up." "Yes, I did make an illegal left turn, officer. I have no excuse." "I broke it, I'll replace it."

    Now as uncomfortable as any of these conversations might be at first glance, they are conversations in which the speaker reclaims his/her power his/her ability to be source in the matter, his/her ability to function as cause.

    As uncomfortable as any of these conversations might seem, they actually move the resolution of the situation forward.

    Because another zen koan what you resist, persists. The victim conversation is rooted in resistance. "I don't want to accept these circumstances. Therefore, someone else did it to me. It's not my fault." And the situation persists. Not only persists, it gets worse. We have plenty of evidence of this.

    The responsible conversation says, "I accept the circumstances, I accept that my choices produces these results. Therefore I will deal with and handle these results and handle this responsibly, so I can put this behind me." And the situation gets resolved, completed, and disappears into the past.

    From the victim perspective, the victim conversation looks like it's the easiest response, because the victim gets to be blameless. To the victim, the responsible conversation is something to avoid because the victim has conflated responsibility with blame, shame, burden and guilt.

    No. It is none of those things.

    Responsibility is functioning as cause in the matter. It is about awareness of consequences and choosing for results. So ... after all that, this is the advice I'm going to give you. What result do you want? What conversation do you have to create to produce that result?

    More important, who do you have to become to create that conversation authentically?

    If you want specifics, I could give them to you but that would be depriving you of the opportunity to create your own conversation. It would take away your power to choose.

    Now, I have to get back to work. I wish you well.
    "In America, politicians shouldnt pick their voters; voters are supposed to pick their politicians. - Barack Obama



  2. #2
    Forum Addict WZ7U's Avatar
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    That is awesome. On so many levels. At least from this perspective, it answers a lot about what I see going on in the world electronically and in reality. A-fucking-mazing.


    I'm so easy to please, thanks David Gerrold, and you too Dave (the Dude, if there ever was one).
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  3. #3
    Volcano Tamer suddenseer's Avatar
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    Mine is less conversation, and more speeches.

    cul de n8tb
    "Sadly, it always takes a few martyrs to get the ball rolling." Colonel Tim Boldman 2001
    "There are no differences but differences of degree between different degrees of difference and no difference."--William James
    "Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings." Victor J. Stenger

  4. #4
    Whacker Knot WTKX's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by suddenseer View Post
    Mine is less conversation, and more speeches.
    Where? On Twitter? @TheRealSuddenSeerer?
    "In America, politicians shouldnt pick their voters; voters are supposed to pick their politicians. - Barack Obama



  5. #5
    Volcano Tamer suddenseer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WTKX View Post
    Where? On Twitter? @TheRealSuddenSeerer?
    vox cranium. I hear the voices so well, and am in tune. I even hear the ones that go undetected by YOUR front end!
    Last edited by suddenseer; 01-06-2018 at 04:02 PM.

    cul de n8tb
    "Sadly, it always takes a few martyrs to get the ball rolling." Colonel Tim Boldman 2001
    "There are no differences but differences of degree between different degrees of difference and no difference."--William James
    "Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings." Victor J. Stenger

  6. #6
    Whacker Knot WTKX's Avatar
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    Wow, that's impressive beating my Flex Radio front end.

    You are on the good stuff today.
    "In America, politicians shouldnt pick their voters; voters are supposed to pick their politicians. - Barack Obama



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