As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
- What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
- If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
- What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
- Pick a cod, any cod!
- What's stucco?
- What happens when you step in bubblegummo.
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- What's the Internet's favorite animal?
- The lynx.
In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."
- What is the Karate experts favorite beverage?
- Kara-tea.
- What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
- Runway inflation.
- What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
- Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
- Where do Floridians wash their clothes?
- In Fort Launderdale.
"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.
His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."
She said, "Pardon?"
He said, "I said I love you."
She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."
She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"
He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."
- What's a frog's favorite drink?
- Croaka Cola.
- What bone will a dog never eat?
- A trombone.
- What does a wicked chicken lay?
- Deviled eggs.
- Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
- A barber.
- What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him?
- Get bent
Two canibals were eating a woman and one says, "Does this taste bitter to you?" The other one says, "Yeah, its my ex wife!"
Two canibals had just finished cooking a missionary and were trying to figure out how to divide him up so they finally decided that one would start at the head and the other at the feet. After a while the one who started at the head says, "Say, this missionary tastes pretty good!" The one at the feet says, "Yeah, I'm having a ball!" To which the one at the head replied, "Slow down, you're eating too fast!"
Scott - NØIU
President - National Sarcasm Society
"Like we need your support!"
The scene is an era when cockpits had round dials and pilots needed flight engineers and navigators.
A crusty old captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators who get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
Originally Posted by K7SGJ
Exactly!
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says.
“But if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”
"If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop
telling the truth about them." - Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)
“I’m not liberal/conservative, I’m anti-idiotarian.”
At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution
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