I hear tell that it's now air-conditioned--blowers are on the third floor.Originally Posted by NA4BH
I hear tell that it's now air-conditioned--blowers are on the third floor.
A little girl was talking to President Bush about whales. Mr. Bush told her that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the President reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
Mr. Bush asked, "What if Jonah went to the other place?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
“The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words."
--Philip K. Dick
A young boy is playing in his parents' room when he hears his mother arrive home. Since he's not allowed to be in there and doesn't want to be caught, he hides in the closet before his mother walks in with a man who is not the boy's father. The couple are just starting to undress when they hear the father's car pull into the driveway. Panicking, the mother tells the man to hide in the closet.
So the boy and the man are sitting there together. "It's dark in here" says the boy. "Yep" replies the man. "I have a baseball" says the boy. "That's great kid". "Wanna buy it?" the boy asks. "Not really kid". So the boy continues: "my dad owns a lot of guns". Realizing what's happening, the man asks "alright, what will it cost to keep you quiet?". "Fifty bucks". So the man gives the boy his money for the baseball, and once the coast is clear they both slip out and on their way.
A few weeks later, the boy is playing in his parents' room again, and the mother comes home with the same man. When the father arrives, they again find themselves hiding together in the closet. "It's dark in here" says the boy. "Yep". "I have a baseball mitt". "Great kid... what will it cost me this time?" "Fifty bucks" replies the boy. They make their exchange and wait until the coast is clear.
Another week goes by before they find themselves hiding together in the closet again. "It's dark in here" says the boy. "Let me guess," says the man, "you have a baseball bat you'd like to sell me?" "Yep, a hundred bucks".
The following weekend, the boy's father asks him if he'd like to go outside and play catch. "We can't" the boy tells him, "I sold my glove and baseball and bat". "Why would you do that?" his father asks. "I got two hundred bucks for them!" the boy tells him. Shocked, the father says "I can't believe you would take advantage of one of your friends like that! Tomorrow morning when we go to church you're going straight into confession and asking forgiveness for what you've done." So the next morning they go to church, and the boy's father sends him straight into the confessional. "It's dark in here" says the boy, and the priest replies "don't start that shit with me again kid".
All the world’s a stage, but obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.
"Where would we be without the agitators of the world to attach the electrodes
of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?" ~ Professor "Dick" Soloman
I think he is great. His Last Week Tonight show is funny as hell, while tackling some of the biggest issues and stories of the day. His take on things, while quite humorous, does make me stop and look at things from a point of view that is off the wall, and yet, makes a lot of sense. Leave it to the Brits. Who Gnu?
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory
RIP ALBI-W3MIV RIP RUSS-W5RB RIP BOB-VK3ZL
*dies laughing*
*hysterical laughter* omg this thread is fucking killing me.
I could not imagine the plane shits. That's so freaking horrible. I have trouble taking a crap at my boyfriend's house. I would probably want very much to change my name and move to another country if I went through all of that...
Reminds me of the cardiologist who took his Harley to the shop because it was running rough. He comes back a couple of days later and asks the mechanic what was wrong. So he says that one of the valves was sticking so he had to replace it and the fuel line was clogged so he also had to replace that as well.
Then the mechanic says, "Hey doc, this is sort of like what you do, so how come I only make $40,000 a year and you make $400,000 a year?" to which the cardiologist replies, "Try doing it with the engine running!"
Scott - NØIU
President - National Sarcasm Society
"Like we need your support!"
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. "Don't be silly," she replied. "Borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what hit him.
“The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words."
--Philip K. Dick
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:
Husband : I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine with direct injection generating 460 HP, 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door................. at this point the husband started crying...
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car.
Scott - NØIU
President - National Sarcasm Society
"Like we need your support!"
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