Jokes Yuks Laughs Ha ha and Jocularity Thread

[K7SGJ]

Seems that from time to time a joke or two gets posted. How about a thread devoted to same, like the random thought, what are you listening to forum, etc. All in favor say STFU.

It's Hell to be Old OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[KG4CGC]

*spit take*

[kf0rt]

:rofl: :rofl:

[NQ6U]

After many years of successful practice, a gynecologist decided to take an early retirement in order to pursue his hobby of auto mechanics full-time. He enrolled in the BMW mechanics training course and when he finished his final exam, he was pleased but a little baffled by his score of 150%. He asked his teacher to explain it.

"Well," said the teacher "you not only took apart and reassembled that engine perfectly, I felt I had to give you some extra credit. That was the first time I'd ever seen anyone do it through the muffler."

(My XYL told me that joke, BTW)

[KG4CGC]

After many years of successful practice, a gynecologist decided to take an early retirement in order to pursue his hobby of auto mechanics full-time. He enrolled in the BMW mechanics training course and when he finished his final exam, he was pleased but a little baffled by his score of 150%. He asked his teacher to explain it.

"Well," said the teacher "you not only took apart and reassembled that engine perfectly, I felt I had to give you some extra credit. That was the first time I'd ever seen anyone do it through the muffler."

(My XYL told me that joke, BTW)

Oh Shit! Of Shit! ILOLIRL!

[K7SGJ]

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND:

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

[NQ6U]

Attachment 5714

[K7SGJ]

^^^ Ha! However, in some places, that's not considered a problem.

[K7SGJ]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching .........you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Doberman Jesus.

[W5GA]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!" My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.