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Thread: Jokes Yuks Laughs Ha ha and Jocularity Thread

  1. #81
    Pope Carlo l NQ6U's Avatar
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    Probably my favorite strip since the late, lamented Calvin & Hobbes. Take a look at my current profile picture.
    All the world’s a stage, but obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.

  2. #82
    Whacker Knot WØTKX's Avatar
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    I got the moniker of "rat" in elementary school.

    That cartoon makes me glad I did.
    "Where would we be without the agitators of the world to attach the electrodes
    of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?" ~ Professor "Dick" Soloman



  3. #83
    "Island Bartender" KG4CGC's Avatar
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    A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said, "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?" The guy says, "oh I went to Yale". The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday." Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"



    Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench, and a man in a trench coat walked over and flashed them! Two of the little old ladies immediately had a stroke, but the third one didn't want to touch it.

  4. #84
    "Island Bartender" KG4CGC's Avatar
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    When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

    Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

    I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

    I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

    My experience is there are people all over the place I stop and ask, "How did you beat a million other sperm?"

  5. #85
    "Island Bartender" KG4CGC's Avatar
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    "My stepmother (really nice lady, but very tightly wound) told me Satan put the dinosaur bones in the ground to trick us. I asked her why: 1. God would let Satan mess with his creation, and 2. Then why did she let my dad keep a whole shelf of fossils in the living room if they were literally created by the devil? She went and had a meltdown in the bedroom, yelled at my dad for a bit, and I got sent to my room. A little while later my dad came in and said he'd been told to have a serious talk with me. Then he said "Stop torturing your stepmother." He tried to look stern, started laughing, and had to wait till he could get his face under control before he left the room."


    "I live in London as a welfare rep for American students. Knowing that American college costs a bundle, and the program to come over costs a load too, these students tend to be the richest and whitest of suburbia. One day the WiFi went down and I may as well have told them that there was no drinking water in the U.K. About 40 students were knocking on my door telling me it wasn't acceptable and that they were calling their 'daddys' to sort it out. 'My daddy is a lawyer, so if you think you're getting money for this accommodation when I haven't had WiFi you've got another thing coming.' I tried to calm them down, let them know it would be back on in an hour or two when one of them said the following line: 'You can't blame us for being upset, we grew up in 'THE FIRST WORLD!' I was flabbergasted, not only did she talk about being from 'the first world' (who does that) like that is something to be proud of, but her entire argument was, 'everything in my life has always been easy and perfect...how dare you take away the most minor of utilities for 3 hours.' I despair."


    "I have a co-worker who once got visibly upset because I said he was about the same age as my parents. He's 51. My parents are 53. I'd like to point out that I didn't just say this out of the blue. He asked how old my parents were, and I knew his age, so I made the comparison. He also said things like 'I work out you know, I'm stronger than guys half my age.' Very much a man child in denial."


    My dad collects coins, because his extremely Hungarian immigrant grandfather convinced him that the Bank (capitalizing it because to him, all banks are just one huge world bank) is determined to steal all his money from him, so he has to have a backup plan. This in and of itself isn't too extreme; plenty of people choose self-sustenance due to a distrust in government and economics, but the real kicker happened when he tried to roll his coins. He has to order his coin rolls online because he doesn't want to go to the bank and get coin rolls because then the bank will know how much money he's hiding from them. I'm not kidding. Anyway, he ordered a bag of coin rolls and waited about a month for them to come before he started getting curious where they were. He asked my mom to check the order tracking while he was at work one day, which led to this conversation: Mom: [Dad's name], it says here that the package made it to [town we live in] two weeks ago, but got sent back. It says you gave no delivery address. Dad: Yeah, why would I do that? I don't want them to know where I live, they might tell everyone."


    One day my sister sees one of her friends crying and quickly runs over to her to ask what is wrong. Her friend, through sobs, manages to say 'Everything is just so unfairrrrrrr, I can't even believe my life!!!' My sister is so concerned because this girl seems on the verge of a breakdown. After calming her down for a bit my sister asks again what is bothering the friend, thinking maybe someone died, or her parents are getting divorced... 'Well, you know my birthday is coming up, and so is my sister's....and well (sobs some more) my parents are getting us both brand new range rovers, and because she is older (breaks down) SHE IS GETTING THE BLACK ONE BUT I WANTED THAT ONEEEEEEE!!!' The only thing my sister could do was say 'I am so sorry for you' and walk away. We still do feel bad for her...so detached."


    "My brother's best friend married a pretty rich girl. He said the first time he saw her do laundry she was going through her pockets and throwing her loose change in the garbage. She had no idea that people kept their change. Genuinely thought everyone just threw it away."


    "I've met a few people who are really brilliant in one field, yet lack even the most basic level of sense in certain areas outside of it. Sort of like the thing about Einstein not being able to tie his shoes (if that's true). My favorite was a university professor: absolutely brilliant knowledge of middle eastern politics, particularly around the Israel-Palestine conflict. He could remember insanely precise historical details going back thousands of years, and seemed to understand the subtlest of nuances on both sides of the conflict. His lectures were amazing. Or they would have been, if he had turned off his cell phone. He simply couldn't figure out how to silence his phone, or even turn it on and off. He had let his TA do it for him a couple of times, but then he'd leave with it still off and couldn't figure out how to turn it back on until he came back the next day, so after going through that twice he decided he would just leave it on. And it appeared that every telemarketer on earth had his number, because it would ring at least 5 times an hour at full volume, and he'd just talk over the top of it like it wasn't happening. He also never answered his email, because he apparently didn't realize that he had one or might need to use it. One day he'd forgotten to bring his little water jug, and sent his TA to the vending machine in the middle of a lecture to bring him a bottle of water. She brought it back and handed it to him, and he turned red in the face trying to get it open, before handing it back to her and declaring that something was wrong with it. She opened it quickly and easily: he'd been turning the cap the wrong way. I should specify here that this was not a super old guy who you'd expect to have issues with technology and life in general: he was in his mid or late 40's."


    Did I tell you about my brother's best friend's wife?

  6. #86
    Orca Whisperer kf0rt's Avatar
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    Kid goes in to interview for a sales job.
    Boss man hands him his laptop and says "Sell me this laptop."
    Kid picks up laptop and leaves.
    Two hours later, boss calls him - "Bring back my laptop!"
    Kid says "$200 and it's yours."

  7. #87
    "Island Bartender" KG4CGC's Avatar
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    Freshman year of college I'm in a math class and we had some random group project to do. A girl in my group informed us she wouldn't be at the next meeting as she was going to have eye surgery. I asked her why and she said "I have genital cataracts" and I said "you mean congenital?" and she gave me an confused looked and everyone backed her up that she really did mean genital and not congenital. Even after I Google it and show everyone the difference between the two words they proceeded to tell me how you can't believe everything you read on the Internet. I was dumbfounded.


    I used to work at Walmart as a cashier. During tax free weekend, the place was a mad house. The lines were long and the customers were non-stop. That being said, I can say that at least 80 percent of customers would point out to me, quite angrily, that their total was still including the tax. For example, if their purchase was $148.67 they would wonder why the tax of .67 was on there and why it wasn't an even total, like $148.00 even. I had to repeatedly explain that's not what tax is.


    I used to work on the Brooklyn Bridge as an ironworker...One day some poor soul was standing towards the edge and was contemplating jumping. I told my foreman and he called the police, at about this time all the trades on the bridge started to gather and watch this man. Maybe 5 minutes go by and someone starts a "Jump!" chant. This dude was going to kill himself and now he has about 40 people egging him on...he jumped. Quit my job and moved across the country, f_ck those f_cking f_cks.


    I was a TA in high school for a regular High School, I think it was World History course. So not Honors, not "Academically Enriched", but not quite eating your own feces either. Anyways, get to class and the power is out so of course everyone is going nuts cause... its dark, I guess? So the teacher still wants to lecture and the kids all groan. That is until one yells out, "Let's watch TV!" YAAAAAY!! Everyone starts chanting, "TV! TV! TV!" I'll never forget the teacher's face as he looked at me. His eyes filled with disappointment about the future of our country. Unable to realize that no electricity also meant no television. Sad.

  8. #88
    "Island Bartender" KG4CGC's Avatar
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    "I worked in a restaurant that had a huge selection (150+) of hot sauces. We sold them by the bottle but customers could sample any of them and use them on their food. A couple came in, the guy started bragging about how much he loved hot sauce and how he never found one that was too hot. He asked for the hottest one we have. I brought the bottle to his table, he filled a spoon with the sauce and made a big production of how he was going to eat it. I told him not to, the hostess told him not to, the waitress serving the next table told him not to... he put it in his mouth, started choking and gagging, puked on the table then passed out and did a faceplant right into the puke!! We called 911. He woke up right away and kept gagging for a w hile. He refused treatment when the paramedics showed up. They left without even ordering a meal! The girl told one of the restaurant staff that it was their first date"

  9. #89
    "Island Bartender" KG4CGC's Avatar
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    Holy Shyte ... Only in Easley! ..... You will not believe what just happened ... I pulled into the QT gas station to get a drink ... when I walked up I noticed these two cops watching a woman who was smoking while fueling up. I saw her and thought, "what an idiot and with the cops right there too" Anyway, I went in and got my drink and as I was checking out I hear someone screaming, I look outside and the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around just going nutz! When I got outside the cops had put her on the ground and were putting the fire out. Then they put hand cuffs on her and were putting her in the police car. I was thinking "She shouldn't have been smoking & pumping gas!" But being the concerned citizen that I am, I asked them what they were arresting her for, figuring that catching her arm ablaze would be punishment enough. He looked me dead in my eye and said ... ''WAVING A FIREARM!''

  10. #90
    Orca Whisperer W3WN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KG4CGC View Post
    Holy Shyte ... Only in Easley! .....
    < snip >
    Thanks, I needed that
    “Nobody is going to feel sorry for us. 90% of the people don’t care, the other 10% are glad it happened.” — Clint Hurdle, 2019

    BAN THE DH!

    Fudd's First Law of Opposition: If you push something hard enough, it WILL fall down.
    Teslacle's Deviant to Fudd's Law: It goes in, it must go out.

    Just remember: Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, DC

    Cutch 2K!!

    “Nero fiddled while Rome burned. Trump golfed.” — Bernie Sanders

    Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati


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