Jokes Yuks Laughs Ha ha and Jocularity Thread

[K7SGJ]

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

[K4PIH]

It was revival night at the church. Right in the middle of his best fire and brimstone sermon ever, there's a huge boom and cloud of sulphur smoke and Satan himself appears at the alter. The preacher yells everybody out if you want to live and chaos erupts as the crowd stampede out. Satan let's out a horrible roar and declares the place is mine! Then he notices one guy sitting in the last pew and rushes over and says hey aren't you afraid of me! To which the man replies hell no, I've been married to your sister for 50 years.

[KG4CGC]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[KG4CGC]

A plane is on its way to New York when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m staying right here.”
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
“I told her first class isn’t going to New York.

[KG4CGC]

NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW
NSFW

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A girl in my high school sex ed class didn't quite understand how she could get pregnant if a dude pulled out before he finished. Then her basketball player boyfriend stood up and yelled, "Before a man shoots he's gotta dribble!"


When I was in sex ed many years ago, all the guys got to write questions for the girls on paper notes and vice versa. One of the guys wrote: "What is the largest thing you could fit inside of you?" One of the girls answered: "an infant." Preach.
In grade 6 sex ed, my friend asked "Why do girls use tampons instead of pads?" and before the teacher could say anything, another kid piped up with "Because they get orgasms when they use them."
"I fucking wish!" Exclaimed the teacher.

Girl sitting behind me stood up and asked, "How many calories are there in semen?"

I took my high school's health requirement over the summer. I opted for the four-week course, which was about 70% the cliche summer school crowd. We had all types of troublemakers.
Also there was a pregnant girl. She was pretty far along, already showing in the belly department. The teacher had just done the contraceptives lesson and was doing a little post-lecture review. she asked us, "What is the most effective form of contraception?
"As expected, we said "use the pill specifically for contraception, but wear a condom to protect against diseases." Totally legit, everyone was on board.
But the pregnant girl raised her hand and said, "Mrs Miller, I'm confused. I thought the safest thing would be to not let the boy finish inside of you, so shouldn't the pull-out method be the safest?
"Our teacher explained the error of her ways, to which the girl replied "Damn, I thought pull-out would be foolproof. That's what I've been using." There were no words.

THEY GET WORSE!

We had an inner city kid who openly asked in a very rural conservative small-town school whether it was possible for "the skeet to drip down from da booty hole and get a bitch pregnant."

In 6th grade some kid asked "if a guy cums it's called ejaculation, so when a girl sprays liquid out whats that called?" The teacher said "females do not do that."

The boy looked at her and said "trust me, they do. I've watched like thirty of them do it. It's called the internet."

Our school's gym teacher was missing her left hand at the wrist. It was a birth defect, she's done some pretty cool things despite it.

In the 9th grade, we had her for the sex ed unit of phys ed. During her lesson, she was doing a bit about contraception. She was talking about different methods, then she got to condoms.
Someone asked "what happens if a guy is too big to use a condom?"
She took one, unwrapped it, applied it over her left wrist and rolled it all the way down her damn arm. Then said something along the lines of "and most of you boys think you need magnums?"

I went to a parochial (church) school. The pastor taught the sex ed class. At the end of the class we had question time. This boy asked the teacher if it was gay to take a picture of his own dick and jerk off to it.

A chick asked: "If I have sex with my dad and have a kid, is the kid my brother or my son?"

I went to a public school in Texas, where only abstinence sex ed is taught, as part of a unit on health your freshman year....there were three pregnant girls in my class. It was a little awkward.

A kid in my sex ed class once asked "why are periods blue?"

He'd obviously seen a few too many tampon/pad commercials.

As a student I thought it would be funny to ask my grade 7 teacher what tea-bagging was.

I figured she wouldn't know. Instead she went on a 15-minute speech about what it was and why people may want to do it. The class was so stunned, and I was pretty embarrassed.

A cute girl said, "I have never done this, but my boyfriend said sperm is good for the skin and can keep you looking younger if applied to the face. Is this true?"

I openly laughed and at the same time knew that she had been letting her boyfriend cum on her face because he was able to convince her it was "good for her skin".



My sex ed teacher in high school and wanted to have a serious discussion about STDs because statistically speaking 1/3 students at my school already had one.
She explains this and that the two counties feeding into our high school had some of the highest rates of STDS in the nation. She then asks: "So why do you think that is?"

Before she can get in a word about condoms and staying protected, kid pipes up: "It's fucking Nebraska; what else are we going to do?"


Some kid in my sex ed class asked if sperm floats ... in the air ... like a helium balloon.

In 8th grade sex ed class, the teacher (an old woman who was a nurse) did the usual anonymous questions deal, and it went about as you would expect.But then she starts reading one to herself, and responds: "I, I.... I just don't know........ the exact, um... exactly how.... the exact circumference of Jupiter..."
Immediately, a stoner-type with long hair in the back of the classroom who had been silent up to this point pops his head up and says, "oh, that's me. I'm tryin' to do my science homework."

In grade six, my sex Ed teacher - who was a bald, fat, and just disgusting to look at - opened the class with "You girls might think I don't know much about your bodies, but I just got my wife pregnant for the second time." No one said anything.

A kid in my first awkward 5th grade sex ed class asked if it hurts to get an erection. They were supposed to be anonymous questions written on notecards but adding "from Paul" didn't help his case.




Our teacher was going over the male reproductive system and went on to say that the purpose of the scrotum was to protect the testicles. From the back of the classroom came the voice of a large football player yelling "Well it does a SHITTY job!

[WZ7U]

Jokes Yuks Laughs Ha ha and Jocularity Thread

Seems that from time to time a joke or two gets posted. How about a thread devoted to same, like the random thought, what are you listening to forum, etc. All in favor say STFU.

<-------------------------------------------------------------------------------->
Shut The Fuck Up!

no, really, bring em on! I love this thread

[K7SGJ]

In the glorious days of the BritishEmpire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost in central Africato relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacementand showing the usual courtesies that protocol decrees, (gin and tonic,cucumber sandwiches etc), the retiring colonel said,

"You must meet my Adjutant, CaptainSmithers. He's my right-hand man, and he's really the strength of thisoffice. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers wassummoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet ahunch-backed, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen ofhumanity, a particularly unattractive man, less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, oldman, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, Igraduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the MilitaryCross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented GreatBritain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the boxing middleweightdivision of the Olympics. I have researched the history of . . . . "

Here the colonel interrupted,"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers; he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witchdoctor to fuck off."

=

[KG4CGC]

That's sounds like Monty Python!

[KG4CGC]

NSFW!




My first date was a blind date with some girl my friend said was hot. Turns out she was hot but utterly stupid. All throughout the date all she wanted to talk about is how school is stupid and that it doesn't matter in the real world.
She literally said, 'If school is so important why do people watch porn?'. We then started to get in an argument about porn. She told me that since she was my girlfriend now that I couldn't watch porn.
I told her that she was in no way my girlfriend and I left the restaurant right there.


My worst first date and worst online dating experience: I started talking to a girl on OKCupid. She was pretty, seemed down to earth, liked Skyrim and Game of Thrones, and generally seemed cool. We planned to meet tonight for dinner. I get to the restaurant at around 7. As I'm sitting outside, I hear 'Hey!' I look and have to do a double take. This is definitely the girl I was talking to, but she was much bigger in real life than her pictures lead on (she had a lot of those angle and close-up shots) and not that great looking. She was wearing a Pokemon shirt that was too small on her, and her gut kept falling out. But hey, I wasn't going to back out, so we started talking and went inside. I noticed when we were sitting down that she never closed her mouth, and breathed loudly out of it.
She would just stare at me while mouth-breathing. It was so weird. When we were choosing appetizers, she claimed that she couldn't eat mozzarella sticks because she 'self-diagnosed' herself with Chrons Disease since cheese made her gassy. Then she started insulting our waitress (a really pretty girl), saying 'I bet she likes Twilight and Jersey Shore. I'm probably the only girl who likes gaming around here. I'm real.' She kept making grunting noises and heavy breathing noises, and at one point she got sauce on her double chin and never wiped it off.
When the waitress brought out our dinner, my date went "A wild steak appears" and the waitress and I just sort of looked at her. It was awkward. Towards the end of the meal, she farted really loud and started crying because she was embarrassed about it. Everyone was looking at us and I just sat there.


I decided to meet up for coffee with a girl that I had been talking to online. We talked for 45 minutes or so - normal first date topics like family, travel, etc. She then asks, 'where did you do your undergrad?' Now, I have a pretty good job, but that question sets the bar pretty high for a guy who didn't go to college.
She is not only assuming that I went to college but is also assuming that I am taking part in some type of post-graduate school. When I said that I went to technical school and then straight into the workforce she looked at me as if she'd never heard of such a thing.
Apparently, I didn't pass all of her minimum requirements to be considered human. After a brief pause, she broke off her shocked stare, placed her hand on her forehead in a fashion that covered her eyes, inhaled briefly and followed it by a valley-girl, 'eew!' She took her Blackberry out of her purse and whispered to herself as she typed, 'he ... didn't ... even ... go ... to ... college ...' I then saw the left thumb hold the shift key as she deliberately pressed the exclamation point key once... ! Twice... !! Three times... !!! In reality, each one of those keystrokes was a simple tapping of a small piece of plastic, but, in my head, it sounded like a metal bank vault door was repeatedly slamming shut.
She pressed a few more buttons on the phone, presumably sending this text message to her total BFF. She put the phone away, looked at me, and after taking a deep breath said, 'well that is okay. Not everybody is capable of going to college.' She put on a fake smile followed by an awkward laugh and just stared at me awkwardly.
I couldn't believe that she'd react so rudely to something and then try to act as if it didn't happen. Perhaps she still believed that, like a child playing hide and seek, if you covered your eyes you would disappear.
After staring at each other awkwardly for a few seconds, I finally broke the silence by saying, 'Wow, okay. So, yea... I, uhm guess it is about time to get out of here?' I stood up and took my trash to the trash can and she followed me out the door. I turned and began walking down the street and she followed closely and said, 'how far away is your car?' This girl was expecting a ride! So, I stopped and turned around and said, 'oh, I am about a block this way. Where did you park?' She replied, 'Oh, I took the bus here. I don't have a drivers license.' Now, I am normally not a rude person. Even in that situation, I was going to just walk away and let that be that, but I just couldn't pass this opportunity up.
I looked at her right in the eyes and said, 'eew!' Pulled out my cellphone and typed, 'she ... doesn't ... even ... have ... a ... license ... ! ... !! ... !!!' I then put my phone away, looked up at her, smiled and said, 'That's okay! Not everybody is capable of driving a car! Lucky for you, the bus stop is right over there. I hope you don't have to wait too long!' I wish I took a picture of the look on her face as I walked away. It was priceless.

[WZ7U]

Where in the world would you have to work where that couldn't be considered safe?

Seems pretty tame to me.