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Thread: Jokes Yuks Laughs Ha ha and Jocularity Thread

  1. #31
    "Island Bartender" KG4CGC's Avatar
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    Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

    And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

    And then, there is silence in the car.

    To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

    And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

    And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

    And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

    And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

    And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

    And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

    And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

    And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

    And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

    "Fred," Martha says aloud.

    "What?" says Fred, startled.

    "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

    "What?" says Fred.

    "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

    "There's no horse?" says Fred.

    "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

    "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

    "It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

    (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

    "Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

    "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

    "What way?" says Fred.

    "That way about time," says Martha.

    "Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

    "Thank you, Fred," she says.

    "Thank you," says Fred.

    Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

    The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

    They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

    Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"



  2. #32
    Pope Carlo l NQ6U's Avatar
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    In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

    "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

    "Test of Three?"

    "That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Are absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

    "No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

    "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

    "No, on the contrary..."

    "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

    The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

    Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

    "No, not really..."

    "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

    The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

    It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
    All the world’s a stage, but obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.

  3. #33
    Island Godfather NA4BH's Avatar
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    I knew a couple of guys that opened a whore house, they ran it by hand until they could get some girls.
    "Friendships come in strange packages
    The best ones are opened with a smile"

    NA4BH '15

  4. #34

  5. #35
    Master Navigator HUGH's Avatar
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    How can you tell whether your dog or your wife loves you the most?

    Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour and then see what happens when you open it.

  6. #36
    "Island Bartender" KG4CGC's Avatar
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    Today at Walmart I went the extra mile. When it came time to sign my name, a thought popped in my head. I should draw a picture. But what picture should I draw? I smirked as something completely juvenile came to me. This is a rough drawing of the signature that I provided:
    Read the rest:

    http://www.tickld.com/x/this-guy-jus...this-is-genius

  7. #37
    Whacker Knot WØTKX's Avatar
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    Be safe out there...

    http://youtu.be/2UuF80YYzPA


    "Where would we be without the agitators of the world to attach the electrodes
    of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?" ~ Professor "Dick" Soloman



  8. #38
    Pope Carlo l NQ6U's Avatar
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    Why don't blind people go skydiving?

    All the world’s a stage, but obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.

  9. #39
    Coconut King n0iu's Avatar
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    Did you hear about the Yagi that married a dipole?

    The wedding wasn't that great, but the reception was fabulous!
    Scott - NØIU
    http://i676.photobucket.com/albums/vv124/scottaschultz/iub.jpg
    President - National Sarcasm Society
    "Like we need your support!"

  10. #40
    Pope Carlo l NQ6U's Avatar
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    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

    "Janie, do you have a story to share?"

    'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

    ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

    "Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
    All the world’s a stage, but obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.

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