Jokes Yuks Laughs Ha ha and Jocularity Thread

[KG4CGC]

Saw this sig line over on eHam for ww7ke, clever and funny too IMO

"He speaks fluent PSK31... He operates 20 meters, on 15... His Wouff Hong has two Wouffs... Hiram Percy Maxim called HIM "The Old Man..." He is... The Most Interesting Ham In The World!"

Ah, he was talking about our own Godfather.

[KG4CGC]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

[KG4CGC]

The speeding pilot
I had this funny little pun I always wanted to crack when someone was speeding.
So there I am, shooting with my laser and pulling over this guy in a Volvo. "That was a bit fast, may I see your pilot license?" So the guy in the Volvo responds. "Sure thing", and provides a pilot license.
At that moment I decided to stop making that joke, but I let him go with a warning. "Everything seems to be in order, drive a bit more careful from now on, will you?"


Late on a weeknight I found a van sitting on the side of a county road. The driver's side door was open and the driver was in the seat with his legs propped up sticking out of the window. I turned around and stopped behind him. The guy in the driver's seat was very drunk and passed completely out. He wasn't even aware I had showed up. I had to shake him to wake him up. When he came to, he looked at me for a second, straightened up in the seat, fixed his clothes a bit, closed the door, put on his seat belt, leaned out the window and said, "Is there a problem, officer?"

[KG4CGC]

3 guys are talking about how each one of them drives a car that best matches their profession.
The first guy says, "Well I am an astronaut, and I drive a Saturn."
The second guy says, "Man. That ain't nothin'. I am a pimp, and I drive a Ford Escort."
The thirds guy says, "Guys, I have you BOTH beat. I am a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe."

[KG4CGC]

From the chapter of life: That Moment You Realize You're Dating an IDIOT!


I had been dating this girl for a few months and it was Christmas time. We weren't super serious but it was serious enough that I was buying her Christmas presents. I found something for her that was perfect and it had a connection to some funny event involving her and my cat. So I made the present from the cat. I thought I was being cute and she would make the connection. Instead, she got pissed that my cat got her a present and I didn't. I thought she was joking. To make matters worse we were at her parents' place and they backed her up. It was extremely awkward and I realized it wasn't going to work out.




We were laying out under the stars and he asked why some were brighter and others dimmer. I told him that there were different sizes, brightnesses and distances away. Confused silence. "You mean, they're not stuck up there?" I'm lying there thinking this can't be true. But oh yes, it was. Upon further questioning I found that he believed the night sky was a big dark blanket like thing with stars stuck on it. The fact that our sun was a star also blew his mind and that just like our sun, other stars could have planets? Too much. I was crushed. I almost broke up with him there and then. But he was very earnest and wanted me to "teach him." So I tried. Two years later and a whole lotta stupid later, we broke up.




We were watching Django, and during the winter training montage there is a moment where the camera pans over a herd of reindeer. At that moment, my ex said something about how she thought it was weird that they would include reindeer in the movie because it kind of breaks the immersion. I was confused and asked what she meant by that. She went on to explain to me how reindeer weren't real animals and just make believe like characters in a fairy tale (aka Rudolph & the rest of Santa's reindeer).





Was on a hike and was following a trail I had read up on online. We get to a fork and I say "okay now we need to go north". She says "haven't we been this whole time?". Confused, I look at her and ask why she says that. She replies "north is the direction in front of you yeah?" Still not entirely sure about the origins of that logic...




(In my defense, this was back in 2004) I found it charming and endearing that he did funny voices, made funny idiosyncratic jokes, and occasionally called me "m'lady". Then I saw Anchorman. Oh my god he literally was doing a 24/7 Ron Burgundy impression, eclipsing his entire personality. I'm not sure I ever really met him.




He shot himself in the leg twice while cleaning a gun. The same gun. 2 weeks apart. 9 mm. Shot himself in the calf the first time, then took out his kneecap the second time, same leg. Took months of surgeries to fix it.




He insisted that women cannot be doctors, only nurses (and vice versa.) He said that the two are the exact same thing except one is male and one is female. He was in his early 20s.




When she told me that she'd never been to France. I knew for a fact she went to Disneyland Paris every year. "Paris isn't in France!" She insisted. We live in the UK, not the USA or somewhere else. You can literally take a train to France.




He thought the Nation of Islam was a place. When I explained to him this was not the case, he responded with, "agree to disagree".




When she flipped out because her third grader came home with "erect" on a spelling list, and was on the verge of calling the school. She honestly had lived her entire life not knowing "erect" had any other use aside from describing a penis.




When she pointed up at a bluish star and sincerely asked "Is that Earth?"




We were 16 at the time and went to go have sex. I realized I didn't have any condoms and that's when she told me I didn't need one because "I trust my body not to get pregnant". I asked her what she was talking about and she told me it takes conscious effort to become pregnant and if she didn't want to be she would never conceive.




I dated a guy for about a month until I found out that he didn't realize that women's breasts made actual milk to feed their babies. He thought "breast feeding" was just a way to hold a baby while giving it a bottle. I told him he was an idiot and he said, with a disgusted sneer, "I didn't know that because I have never known any woman, who had or would, breast feed their child." I told him that I had breast fed my son and he called me a child molester.




When she told me that babies could only happen if there were love, and the only way to get pregnant from a rape is if you loved your rapist.




Didn't actually date him all because of this. Was flirting with a guy and the question of where were you born comes up I said, Boise. He replied, where's that? I looked at him to see if he was joking and told him it's the capital of Idaho. We live in Idaho.




I let him use my tools for the first time. Just bought a new Milwaukee circular saw to cut some railing for our deck. I give him the saw and show him the marks where and how to cut. Go in the house to plug in the other end of extension cord. Before I can get back outside I hear the saw fire up, cutting sound and promptly stop. Go outside to find a partially cut rail, and a fully cut cord.

[NQ6U]

A very attractive woman I met at a friend’s wedding who I would have loved to have dated—until she said this: “London is the capital of Paris, right?”

[KG4CGC]

A very attractive woman I met at a friend’s wedding who I would have loved to have dated—until she said this: “London is the capital of Paris, right?”

Is Vermin the capital of Vermont?

[KG4CGC]

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

[NA4BH]

A very attractive woman I met at a friend’s wedding who I would have loved to have dated—until she said this: “London is the capital of Paris, right?”

Somebody that smart you have to date. It's Federal law.

[KG4CGC]