Suicide - It's not painless...

[W4GPL]

I think we already have a suicide thread, but I wasn't much in the mood to look for it.

I've had 3 friends, two very close 'real life' friends and one extremely brilliant 'online friend' commit suicide since March. And I simply cannot explain how fucking messed up it's making me. Not to be callous or selfish, as I'm not the one who was driven to take his own life, but man.. I'm just.. completely torn up. I'm physically nauseated -- anxious -- just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Who will be next and why? What's more scary is how little I knew about these close friends and their very serious problems. What is with people that they cannot express and work thru their issues with people who love them dearly?

I just don't know where to start to describe the devastation of it all. Their friends, their family, their own lives.. it's unfathomable. I'm not sure if I'm in a unique position to have lost 3 friends in less than a year, but fuck... (that's the best I can do right now).

I know I'm asking questions that are almost cliche, but the emotional pain fucking kills me.

While watching the Auburn/Oregon game last night, I started to cry when Auburn won, because my friend who killed himself in March was the biggest Auburn fan in the world. I think we watched every Auburn/Alabama game together for the last 10 years...

*sigh*-- misery is misery. :P

[KC2UGV]

Yeah, that shit is hard. On family, friends... I've got "3 under my belt" as well. It's tough, but I keep in mind "this too shall pass". Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it does take the pain away, or in the least dulls it.

[N8YX]

By the time I was 21, 6 of my high school graduating class of 400 had killed themselves.

I stopped keeping track after that.

[WØTKX]

A few years after I came back to MN from MT, I lived a a big bachelor house with 3 other guys. Pretty cool place with 4 bedrooms, and two bathrooms. We had frequent weekend parties, and a well stocked bar, etc. Almost nightly backgammon and card games, the cool thing was the bedrooms were way on the other side of the house, and we had a huge 3 season porch at the far side.

One night, a good buddy from high school came by, and we fixed him a drink which he wanted. It hit him hard and fast, and we asked what he was taking, he had a rep for liking "downers" like Ludes. He denied it, but we drove home. He was taking something, he had gotten a hold of some methadone, he was a pharmacy intern. He took some more before he went to bed, and never woke up. I remember him every time I hear Emerson Lake and Palmer, because he loved it, and played their songs very well.

That was an accident? Maybe, he was pretty depressed about breaking up with his high school sweetheart. This is a happy memory now, but it wasn't easy for a while. His big grin wailing on the keyboards helps.

One of the guys I went to the last Floyd Concert in Denver blew his brains out with a shotgun, he had become a meth head after abusing cocaine for years. Much of the Pulse album was recorded in that concert, and I remember him from that album. It was an amazing night, actually a whole weekend.

This is a happy memory now, but it wasn't easy for a while.

My sister (two years younger) attempted suicide three time, the first two were minimal and mostly for attention. The last one almost worked. She has been gravely ill for 15 years, and lately "forgets" to feed herself, and is very very thin. My nephew is pretty upset about it, as you can imagine, we all are.

The son of one of my parents lifetime friends took his own life a year and a half ago, he was estranged from his family because he was gay, and kept "fighting it", He had become a well respected lawyer, and was fairly successful in many other ways,

And so it goes. There are others.

Sad, but we remember, and they are still here, because their soul shard are in those who remember, and miss them. Dwell on the laughter, share the stories, and find joy when and where you can. It's a conscious choice at times, and it's hard, but like working out, those muscles can grow.

[W5RB]

I've got nothing in my experience to compare , except losing a couple of close friends to what you could call "suicidal lifestyles ". I can tell you , based on other experience , that talking to others who've faced stuff like this , in a group setting , can be more theraputic than you'd imagine . Call your local Mental Health Association , I'll bet they have a group . And crying is OK , it's the human thing to do . Hang in there .

[WØTKX]

I cried a lot after Gabby got shot, and I have joy and hope for her recovery.

[W1GUH]

I learned indirectly and years after the fact that two of my closest friends in high school had decided to check-out. They were extremely talented people with great promise, both as musicians (one entered Oberlin) and one as an artist as well. That still really, really haunts me -- nobody had any clue that either had been so unhappy.

Then, to add some macabre humor to this, when I contacted another friend just after the 30th reunion, he told me that I'm not only a "voice from the past" but a "voice from the grave." He'd heard that I, too, had checked out. I assured him that that didn't happen and I'm alive, well, and thriving in NYC. Wish I would have thought of the "greatly exaggerated" quote. I also wonder who spread that lie about me. An ex-wife comes to mind.

I'll never know the "why" for either Lyle or Greg -- may they rest in peace.

[KA5PIU]

Hello.

The only thing worse is to have someone murdered.
Due to the very nature of the makeup of San Antonio there is organized crime, and it is big business.
I saw a foreman from San Antonio Public Works get stabbed to death by a former coworker.
I left the employment of the City of San Antonio just a few months prior to help in a federal investigation, getting my former supervisor busted.
All over $30k.
Later, one cop kills another and a key witness ends up in a coma and later dies after eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
And, what started this was a high school age kid who got real heavy into the weed, and got busted.
Being the piece of garbage that he is he tried to finger me.
His big brother was so pissed that he shot and killed his room mate, who was trying to protect me.
This very same bit of crap told the cops I had stolen a tractor.
I was taken downtown and already in juvi when somebody finally follows up and discovers that the tractor was not stolen.
PoS was no longer able to lie to the cops so he says I set him up, and his brother freaks.
After it was all said and done it was explained how the dope was grown on a ranch and transported by San Antonio Police Officers to the distribution point, a Public Works service center that was shared by the police.
2 people were killed over 30 grand that I saw, all before my 18th birthday.
Now THAT is some fucked up shit!
I am still freaked out over it.

[n2ize]

Had an old radio friend back in high school who offed himself around 75 or 76. Few days before he did it we were talking about traveling cross country. He was down on some stuff but seemed optimistic. Then I got news he jumped off a tall structure and that was it. My Mom told me he called me on the phone earlier on the same day he jumped. But I wasn't home. Always wondered if I was there to talk maybe I could have talked him out of it. No cell phones in those days. sad stuff, he must have really been down to do what he did.

Bout 20 years ago I was with some friends and we met a young (in her 30's) drug addicted woman we knew and were friend with and she asked me what would happen if she injected herself with 20 bags of heroin in one shot. We told her it would probably be lethal. She laughed and said nothing more about it. We didn't see her for a while and then we got the bad news that she offed herself with a deliberate drug overdose. Very sad.

Apparently depression in people is not always obvious.

[n6hcm]

Apparently depression in people is not always obvious.

even when it's obvious it's not obvious--people aren't willing to believe. so many just don't think depression is a real illness.

and those of us who are clinically depressed are good at masking it.