https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaKdt64frgQ
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I’m a big guy, but my fiancé’s female Australian Shepherd always acted dominant around me, and tried to hump my leg on several occasions. So, one day on the back deck of our house, it went at me again. I decided to show her who’s boss. I grabbed her from behind and started humping her. I did this for, I don’t know, 10 seconds.When I looked up, the new neighbors—who’d just bought the house next door, were all standing in the yard holding their cardboard boxes… just watching me. At the moment, I thought, “It will seem odd if I stop now.” So, I kept going and just waved to them casually. They didn’t say a word, and the next week, they put the house back up for sale.
Yuuuuge and Bigly, Dawg.
Woof
Well, this IS a thread necromancy...
https://i0.wp.com/agoodgoodbye.com/w...6%2C1536&ssl=1
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Let's all sing the Monica Song. Anna one anna two... Yummy yummy yummy I've got love in my tummy 'cause I swallowed when I should have spit.
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dresses and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by
saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !!!...
There is a track in Floriduh not five miles long, doo duh, doo duh. They don't run all night and not all day, but they greet it when they come this way...... with a hearty Hia Leah!
Attachment 17685
The world explained by two cows. (and hence, the reason to stick to chickens)
*SOCIALISM
*
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
*
COMMUNISM
*
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
*
FASCISM
*
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
*
BUREAUCRATISM
*
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk
away.
*
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
*
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
*
VENTURE CAPITALISM
*
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.
*
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.
*
A FRENCH CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.
*
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
*
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
*
A SWISS CORPORATION
*
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
*
A CHINESE CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
*
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.
You worship them.
*
A BRITISH CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
*
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
*
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.
*
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
*
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
---- Author unknown
A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to spice up his lecture.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
An elderly doctor (Dr. Old) decided to retire. There were other doctors in town; no one would be without health care.
But after a while, he got bored, so he opened a "minute clinic" type place. There was a sign out front that read, "$500 per visit. If I can't cure you, I pay you $1000."
One of the younger doctors in town (Dr. Young) was annoyed by this, because several of Dr. Old's former patients left the former for the latter. So Dr. Young decided he could bankrupt Dr. Old.
Here's what happened.
Dr. Young: Doctor, I seem to have lost all sense of taste.
Dr. Old: Hmm. Nurse, get mixture #22 and give the patient 3 drops of it. (Nurse does so)
Dr. Young, spitting it out: Yuck! That's gasoline!
Dr. Old: I guess your sense of taste has returned. $500, please.
A couple of weeks later, Dr. Young came back.
Dr. Young: I keep forgetting things, my memory is shot.
Dr. Old: Nurse, get mixture #22 and give the patient 3 drops of it.
Dr. Young: Oh, no you don't! That stuff is gasoline!
Dr. Old: Your memory seems OK to me. $500, please.
Another couple of weeks go by. Dr. Young returns.
Dr. Young: My vision is awful, I can hardly see a thing.
Dr. Old: Well, I don't have a medicine that can cure that. Here's $1000. (pulls out a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: Hey, that's a $10 bill!
Dr. Old: Looks like your vision is fine. $500 please. And GTHOML.
The soothing sweet apple notes in this beloved tea are achieved by blending elegant chamomile flowers from around the world. Our golden Egyptian chamomile has a delicate floral quality, while chamomile from Mexico contributes a sweet, earthy flavor. You'll take comfort in a cup of this perfectly blended chamomile tea any time of day.
We've used chamomile from the same family of Egyptian farmers for 30 years! The whole village helps harvest, dry and sift the crop by hand.
Delicate floral quality? Egads, I think I've been drinking douche!
Following was forwarded to me earlier today from W3WH's former administrative assistant... as is...
----------------One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?) "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket."
"For reading a book"? she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Sure, God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece!!...
That is funny
the love of diodes is a one way thing
A new supermarket opened near my house!
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of freshly mown hay.
In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal-grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The in-house bakery features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and pastries.
I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar together. The bartender takes one look at them and says “Hey, what is this, a joke?”
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.