funny jokes.

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

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The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

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Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

this guy noticed a state cop behind him so he jumps his speed to 80MPH cop speeds up as well, so he jumps to 90MPH cop speeds up as well and turns on his lights.
guy says shit, pulls over cop walks up asks the guy why he kept increasing speed when he knew he had a cop behind him
guy reply well my wife ran off with a state cop last week, I thought you was trying to return the bitch to me.

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home. 1st kid says "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful." 2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nothin." The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure.........." "When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last "F*@*#ing" thing we need."

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bl**dy thing up.

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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A police car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the copper about all the trees in the road.
Policeman says; "For God’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says; "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

A young brunette comes to the doctor and says that she is in pain just anywhere on the body.
- Impossible, says the doctor. "Show me!"

The girl presses her finger against her forehead, and she screams of pain.
Then press on her knee and screaming as loud.
... ... ... This continues in various parts of the body and the girl screaming in pain at each pressure.

Finally, the doctor says, "You're not real brunette, huh?"

"No, I'm blonde!" Says the girl.

"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have broken your finger!"


One day there came a dwarf woman to the gynecologist. He asked what it was that was wrong. Then she said she got hurt in the p*ssy when it rained.
The gynecologist thought that was very strange. Never heard of it before. She had to jump up in the chair and pull up her skirt for an investigation. The gynecologist examined and investigated but found nothing unusual for a dwrarf women p*ssy. Eventually only solution remaining was to ask her to come back in rainy weather.
So the next time it rained out, he canceled all its previous commitments and stood at the window waiting for the dwarf woman with the evil pussy. Eventually, he sees her come running across the square in the raincoat, and more. She runs up the stairs and sit in the examination chair. The doctor look and exclaims, "Yes, of course. Let me just cut a little here" At first he snips a little with the scissors on the left side and then on the right. After that he asks her to go out a bit and see if the p*ssy is doing well now. She goes out and comes back after ten minutes completely overjoyed.
"Thank you Doctor. I feel no pain at all anymore. What did you do?"
"Oh, it was nothing. I've just cut off your boots two inches"

A Texas Aggie and a Jew had general hardware stores across the street from each other. The Texas Aggie would see customers walk in and out piled under with sales all day long from the Jew's store while he garnered only small sales. One day, in frustration, he pulled the shutters and displayed the "CLOSED" sign and made a visit to his neighbor. The Aggie asked the Jew, "Please tell me how you do it? Let me know how you get so many sales. We have almost identical stores, prices and inventory." The Jew sighed and exclaimed he probably hadn't oughtta do it, but he could observe the next sale. The Aggie watched with intensity.

A woman entered the store and asked for a bag of grass seed. The Jew said "One bag of grass seed coming up. And would you like a garden hose with that to water the new grass seed?" She replied in the affirmative. "Also, would you like a new lawnmower with that to mow your tall grass?" She also needed a new lawnmower.

The Aggie was so excited. He thanked the Jew and reopened his store.

A woman walks in and asks for a box of tampons. The Aggie gleefully gets her the box and asks, "Would you also like a lawnmower to go with that?" She asks, "Why would I want a lawnmower?" The Aggie replies, "You ain't getting any fuskin' done today. You may as well mow the lawn."

From Playboy...

Three women seated on the edge of the swimming pool at the country club were watching the guys go in and out of the men's shower room.

Suddenly, the huge gust of wind blew the door open. Inside the women saw a man with nothing on except a towel wrapped around his head and shoulders.

The women gazed in amazement at the massive appendage. "How embarrassing. But that's not my husband." The second woman looked closely and sighed, "Not mine either." The third woman said, "Of course not. He doesn't even belong to this country club."

A pirate walks into a bar, wearing a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender asks," What's that on there for?" The pirate replies, "ARRRR, I don't know, but it be driving me nuts!"

A guy walks into a bar and asks "Who owns the big dog outside tied to the lamp post?" Another guy says "I DO." The guy says "Well he's dead." The other guy says "He's dead,how'd he die?" The guy says "My dog killed him." The other guy asks "What kind of dog do you got?" He says "A Chiuaua." The other guy asks "How can a Chiuaua kill a Great Dane?" He says"I don't know maybe he got lodged in his throat."

A Preist, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

#23 from the Dyslexic's Jook of Bokes begins: Former Representative Barr walks into a weiner....