The Story of Cain and Able: from the Perspective of The Good Lord Above
The LORD said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. Genesis 4:10
Eventually, through much trial-and-error, Adam and Eve figured out how to fornicate and had hundreds of children who spread out and formed towns. In time the couple had two particular sons, which they named Cain and Abel.
Anyway, Cain grew up to be a farmer, and Abel became a sheep herder. One day Cain decided to present Me with an offering of some of his wheat and lentils. He cooked them into this stupid soup, which was bland and uninteresting. I was underwhelmed, to say the least.
Luckily, Abel was there and saw that I was let down, so he immediately sacrificed and barbequed three of his best and fattest lambs for Me. I think he must have basted them in a white wine lemon butter sauce or something, because that lamb meat was absolutely delicious.
I thanked Abel profusely for the lamb, and lit Cain’s pile of dry wheat on fire. Then as a joke, I spit in Cain’s face and told him to get out of My Sight.
Now for some reason, this infuriated Cain. He got so jealous he turned red with rage and almost gave himself an aneurysm. I swear, some people just don’t know how to take a joke.
I tried to ask Cain why he was so pissed, but he just stormed off into the field. Next thing you know, this asshole Cain had smashed Abel’s skull in with a rock. I confronted Cain about it and told him that it was a real prick thing to do.
But Cain just shrugged his shoulders like the jerk he was. So I cursed him to his face and told him he would wander the Earth alone. This made him whine like a bitch and complained that he would get killed by strangers.
So I used a knife to carve a mark into his forehead, which was in the shape of a penis, so everyone would forever know that Cain was a dickhead and they should leave him alone.
I spent a long time pondering what had happened. What could have possessed Cain to commit such a heinous act? Personally, I blame the parents. Where were the parents?!
Anyway, this would be only the first of countless human-on-human murders. As you know already know, murdering each other would go on to become mankind’s favorite pastime.
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