Australia

[PA5COR]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

Aepends how much you've been drinking.
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Qo you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[N2NH]

Excellent. I've always liked Aussie humor.
:rofl:

http://www.dvdtown.com/images/displayimage.php?id=3597

[kb2vxa]

A bit old but still funny. The bit that got me was the American speaking English, he'd be a bit hard pressed until he learned Oztralian. What you hear from Crocodile Dundee and that little green guy is very Americanized.

[W2NAP]

i lol'ed

[KU0DM]

:lol: :lol:

Nice find Cor!

[KN4DS]

A bit old but still funny. The bit that got me was the American speaking English, he'd be a bit hard pressed until he learned Oztralian. What you hear from Crocodile Dundee and that little green guy is very Americanized.
Oztralian's not that different, mate... bit of an accent, but you get used to that straight away.

Been watchin' way too much television from down under lately.

[N8YX]

Oztralian's not that different, mate... bit of an accent, but you get used to that straight away.
You think Pat ('MHZ) has trouble with Black Widows? Put 'im Down Under with funnel-web spiders! :shock:

[KN4DS]

Oztralian's not that different, mate... bit of an accent, but you get used to that straight away.
You think Pat ('MHZ) has trouble with Black Widows? Put 'im Down Under with funnel-web spiders! :shock:
Never been down under, but I'm hoping to get there one day. We do have the odd Australia Post package show up here from time to time (but never, ever Vegemite).

Pat's problems are many and varied, and go far beyond simple spiders. You do have a point, though... the wildlife in Oz would have him walkin' on water.

[kb2vxa]

When you get there and I hope you do you'll find quite a few perplexing words and phrases. Oh they can speak English when they want to as my friends down under do ordinarily but once in a while they toss in something purely Oz just for the fun of it.

Heh, Vegemite or Marmite in the UK somehow I can't get past the idea of eating waste from a brewery. Uh, the notion just hit me, if I ever get to meet those friends I'll probably get a gob of it rammed down my throat, a bit of fair dinkum after some of my comments about the stuff. :yes: :dance:

http://tankfm.hopto.org/default.asp?iId=JMHLJ

[KN4DS]

I've had to do my share of searching to understand some the purely Oz things that we've run across while watching television series from down under (and we keep up with several).

[VK3ZL]

Great post Cor....yeah we are a wierd bunch down here...Always ready to take the Micky out of anybody foreign....Yeah you have to watch out for all the creepy crawly's...We have a good range of really nasty venomous creatures...Ya don't want to put your shoes on before you pound them on the ground...The Sydney Funnel Web spider has a liking for unwary tourists....Same with our snakes and sharks....They don't eat yer hole, they spit that part out... :mrgreen: :mrgreen: ....Around here I have to be careful of the brain eating Koalas...Gets a bit smelly in the summer wearing the deterrant...Refer Cor's post...
I havn't paraded around naked up at Kings Cross recently...Used to do that in the 70's..They have the Gay Mardi Gras in Sydney and Melbourne every year...The bulk of the revellers are our Police and Politicians...True ...There is a rite for all young Australian males....Passage to adulthood...You have to drink a "slab of Fosters stubbies" Wrestle a 15 foot croc and have sex with a Kings cross prostitute....Quite often the young fellas after drinking the slab get a bit mixed up and get the other two back to front due to their inebriation...Crocs really object to having sex with young Aussies....Our prostitutes love a good wrestle though if you pay em well..

As to our language down here....Fair dinkum mate, if the rest of you learned proper English you would be able to understand us..We even have to educate the whingeing Poms when they migrate here..However being easy going here we give most of them a "fair crack of the whip....


Bob..VK3ZL...

[W5BRM]

Golden Orb Weaver Spider Devours BirdGolden Orb Weaver Spider Devours Bird

Welcome to Australia! Here are some photos of a giant spider devouring a bird in a Queensland backyard. According to experts, the photos are unmodified.

The photos, which are reported to have been taken this week in Atherton, west of Cairns, show the spider clenching its legs around a lifeless bird trapped in a web.


http://www.frakincool.com/pictures/gold ... ours-bird/ (http://www.frakincool.com/pictures/golden-orb-weaver-spider-devours-bird/)

[KN4DS]

I do have to say, we have noticed that Aussies must have an unhealthy fascination with spewing.

Any medical television show will very likely include at least one instance of someone throwing up. Quite graphically.

And even shows that aren't medical in the least have a few scenes like that.

It's humorous to me, but the wife gets a little grossed out.

[N2NH]

I do have to say, we have noticed that Aussies must have an unhealthy fascination with spewing.

Any medical television show will very likely include at least one instance of someone throwing up. Quite graphically.

And even shows that aren't medical in the least have a few scenes like that.

It's humorous to me, but the wife gets a little grossed out.

Who wants chowder?

[youtube:242kw2pm]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eYSpIz2FjU[/youtube:242kw2pm]

[N8YX]

Welcome to Australia! Here are some photos of a giant spider devouring a bird in a Queensland backyard. According to experts, the photos are unmodified.

The photos, which are reported to have been taken this week in Atherton, west of Cairns, show the spider clenching its legs around a lifeless bird trapped in a web.


http://www.frakincool.com/pictures/gold ... ours-bird/ (http://www.frakincool.com/pictures/golden-orb-weaver-spider-devours-bird/)
We used to hand-feed the large golden orb spiders when we were kids. A couple of them got so used to me placing goodies in their webs every morning that they never scurried away! :D

In the city one doesn't see big critters, but if you were to head roughly 50 miles southwest of Akron, you'd be in for a bit of a surprise. Seems there are a few agricultural research facilities scattered around that area, and its long been rumored that they develop and work with genetically enhanced, growth-accelerating flora.

Makes sense. Take your average crane fly; related to the mosquito but consumes plant juices. Fully grown, he's got an abdomen the thickness of a pencil lead, roughly a half-inch or so long, with a wing and leg span of perhaps an inch and a half. I have personally observed and caught one in the area that had an abdomen the diameter and length of a grown man's pinky finger; leg and wing span were 8".

Likewise with the cecropia moth: A couple years back I got hold of one in Morrow County that was as big as a medium-sized songbird.

Now...if whatever growth accelerant in the food chain that is causing apparent gigantism in insects can in fact be passed on to their predators, we may find some darned big spiders in the vicinity...ones that could easily rival the Ossie orb spider in size.

[VK3ZL]

I do have to say, we have noticed that Aussies must have an unhealthy fascination with spewing.

Any medical television show will very likely include at least one instance of someone throwing up. Quite graphically.

And even shows that aren't medical in the least have a few scenes like that.

It's humorous to me, but the wife gets a little grossed out.


This is an essential and quite healthy passtime for us Aussies...We love drinking large quantities of beer....The hole for letting it out is much smaller than the input orfice therefore to continue drinking large quantities of beer we have developed the practice of ejecting the surplus to make room for more beer...Fair dinkum mate...

Do you understand the Aussie logic now ?? That's why Aussies are considered an advanced race over the rest of the world...We are deep thinkers and apply ourselves most diligently to the more important things in life, beer, women and usually a bloody good headache afterwards.. Fair dinkum.. :neener:


Bob..VK3ZL...

[VK3ZL]

[quote="N2NKW"]Golden Orb Weaver Spider Devours BirdGolden Orb Weaver Spider Devours Bird

Welcome to Australia! Here are some photos of a giant spider devouring a bird in a Queensland backyard. According to experts, the photos are unmodified.

The photos, which are reported to have been taken this week in Atherton, west of Cairns, show the spider clenching its legs around a lifeless bird trapped in a web.


Those Golden Orb spiders in VK4 and 8 are little tidlers...To understand a real robust spider you have to travel down here in Southwest Victoria and get introduced to the local Attrax Humungus..This guy is big!! I mean really BIG!!! Mostly seen around on real warm nights...Fair dinkum, when a pair of these have a mating dance on the tin roof it sounds like a hail storm..Rattle and bang? Crikey, it's like Desert Storm all over again...These guys are said to bring down an Emu or a Wallaby on the odd occasion...It's nothing to wake up in the middle of the night to find a couple running across the bedroom ceiling...No crap mate, these fellas are huge....

Mostly seen after a really good BBQ and aforementioned drinking session....Some fellas reckon they have been kidnapped and spun into a web, escaping at the last moment before they became a meal of Humungus...Explains why the odd fella does mysteriously dissappear now and again...At 12 inches leg span I can Honestly :mrgreen: say that these guys are probably the largest spider in the world...The more beer you drink the bigger they become... :stirpot:

Bob..VK3ZL..

[N2NH]

... I can Honestly :mrgreen: say that these guys are probably the largest spider in the world...The more beer you drink the bigger they become... :stirpot:

Bob..VK3ZL..

Sounds like my first wife...

[VK3ZL]

... I can Honestly :mrgreen: say that these guys are probably the largest spider in the world...The more beer you drink the bigger they become... :stirpot:

Bob..VK3ZL..

Sounds like my first wife...


Know what you mean...I've known a lot of wives... :snicker:

Bob..VK3ZL..

[KN4DS]

This is an essential and quite healthy passtime for us Aussies...We love drinking large quantities of beer....The hole for letting it out is much smaller than the input orfice therefore to continue drinking large quantities of beer we have developed the practice of ejecting the surplus to make room for more beer...Fair dinkum mate...

Do you understand the Aussie logic now ??
Gotcha... it's awesome in its simplicity.

[kb2vxa]

Speaking of Aussies, the Geico gecko gets it!