Jokes Yuks Laughs Ha ha and Jocularity Thread

[K7SGJ]

Seems that from time to time a joke or two gets posted. How about a thread devoted to same, like the random thought, what are you listening to forum, etc. All in favor say STFU.




It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!


'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[KG4CGC]

*spit take*

[kf0rt]

:rofl: :rofl:

[NQ6U]

After many years of successful practice, a gynecologist decided to take an early retirement in order to pursue his hobby of auto mechanics full-time. He enrolled in the BMW mechanics training course and when he finished his final exam, he was pleased but a little baffled by his score of 150%. He asked his teacher to explain it.

"Well," said the teacher "you not only took apart and reassembled that engine perfectly, I felt I had to give you some extra credit. That was the first time I'd ever seen anyone do it through the muffler."

(My XYL told me that joke, BTW)

[KG4CGC]

After many years of successful practice, a gynecologist decided to take an early retirement in order to pursue his hobby of auto mechanics full-time. He enrolled in the BMW mechanics training course and when he finished his final exam, he was pleased but a little baffled by his score of 150%. He asked his teacher to explain it.

"Well," said the teacher "you not only took apart and reassembled that engine perfectly, I felt I had to give you some extra credit. That was the first time I'd ever seen anyone do it through the muffler."

(My XYL told me that joke, BTW)

Oh Shit! Of Shit! ILOLIRL!

[K7SGJ]

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND:




A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

[NQ6U]

5714

[K7SGJ]

^^^ Ha! However, in some places, that's not considered a problem.

[K7SGJ]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching .........you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Doberman Jesus.

[W5GA]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

[KG4CGC]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/542557_397103430334205_249469905097559_1171410_136 4894390_n.jpg

[K7SGJ]

Is that the 440vac model? I think it's made by Easyoff.

[KG4CGC]

Is that the 440vac model? I think it's made by Easyoff.

Diesel electric.
Union Pacific and GE.

[NA4BH]

What is that thing, really?

[KG4CGC]

What is that thing, really?

Ask Mr. Owl.
Where da Pope?
Is da Pope in da hizzy?

[NQ6U]

Ask Mr. Owl.
Where da Pope?
Is da Pope in da hizzy?

I dunno WTF it is, but I'd say that it's relatively light for it's size. The axles on the trailer are spaced pretty far apart and there are not all that many of them. Also, it's not a heavy-duty tractor, maybe not even a Class 8.

[KG4CGC]

I dunno WTF it is, but I'd say that it's relatively light for it's size. The axles on that trailer are spaced pretty far apart and there are not all that many of them.

Let's ask "The Kevin" AKA "The Island Bouncer."

[kf0rt]

What is that thing, really?

Propeller stand for a windmill, maybe? I've seen those on the highway before, but they're usually carried on flatbeds. Whatever it is, it seems odd that they'd put it in a cage.

[K7SGJ]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so -- they make love.About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.Could we please do it one more time? Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watchand realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please.... just one more time before I die.She says, 'Of course, Dear, and they make love for the third time.After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.

[kb2vxa]

"Diesel electric.
Union Pacific and GE."

Mostly GE, celebrate the moments of your life, we bring good things to life and now imagination at work.

HEY! Where ya goin' with my dildo?!

[ki4itv]

spelunking? :lol:

[K7SGJ]

WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED!

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."

[K7SGJ]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but
he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked
down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He
could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need...
A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit'.

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How
about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and
16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 32 since I was
18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 32. A size
32 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine
and give you one hell of a headache.'

[G0TEZ]

I bet she was too!

[KG4CGC]

This is pretty messed up.

http://www.celebritynetworth.com/articles/entertainment-articles/the-most-embarrassing-private-jet-flight-of-all-time/?fb_action_ids=10200881266696504&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map={%2210200881266696504%22%3A54772 0438596902}&action_type_map={%2210200881266696504%22%3A%22og.l ikes%22}&action_ref_map= (http://www.celebritynetworth.com/articles/entertainment-articles/the-most-embarrassing-private-jet-flight-of-all-time/?fb_action_ids=10200881266696504&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map={%2210200881266696504%22%3A54772 0438596902}&action_type_map={%2210200881266696504%22%3A%22og.l ikes%22}&action_ref_map=)[]

[VK3ZL]

This is pretty messed up.

http://www.celebritynetworth.com/articles/entertainment-articles/the-most-embarrassing-private-jet-flight-of-all-time/?fb_action_ids=10200881266696504&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map={%2210200881266696504%22%3A54772 0438596902}&action_type_map={%2210200881266696504%22%3A%22og.l ikes%22}&action_ref_map= (http://www.celebritynetworth.com/articles/entertainment-articles/the-most-embarrassing-private-jet-flight-of-all-time/?fb_action_ids=10200881266696504&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map={%2210200881266696504%22%3A54772 0438596902}&action_type_map={%2210200881266696504%22%3A%22og.l ikes%22}&action_ref_map=)[]

Bloody priceless Charles....

I can relate to that situation..

Many years ago, 1991, I had had more spinal reconstruction surgery and after 3 months in Epworth hospital I was to be transported by air ambulance from Melbourne to Portland hospital for the remainder of my recovery...I was entirely immobile being sandwiched between two fiber glass body casts and couldn't move...If I wanted to crap or pee I had to have the assistance of two nurses who would jack my butt end up and slide the pan under me to catch the result..I had little control of my functions due to the surgery and had to be on the ball when I got the urge..The air ambulance was a Beech Kingair fitted with stretcher facilities and also seating for another 6 passengers plus two nurses..There were a few sitting passengers and me strapped down on the stretcher...About 15 minutes into the flight I suddenly had the urge to unload my bowels and in the situation I was feeling pretty vulnerable especially with the other passengers sitting beside and around me...Anyhow, the nurses being completely professional, grabbed a bed pan, ( silver saddle) and proceeded to jack my arse end up and clear the way for the expected result...Have any of you had to shit up hill with half a dozen people watching? I had become a master at it of course and the result was quite explosive at 30 thousand feet filling the fuselage with most of the day before dinner and breakfast odours...The looks I got from some of the passengers told me how they felt and I was feeling pretty embarrassed...The nurses took the whole episode in their stride though..The pilot came to talk to me when we landed and said that the plane was on auto pilot at the time but laughingly said he couldn't hang his head out the window at 30K feet...

When I think back to those days I often wonder how I ever coped and got myself back together..But that's life I guess and I bet none of the other passengers will ever forget that flight..

Bob..VK3ZL..

[KG4CGC]

WOW! Once you go through that, I guess there is nothing in life that can phase you.
Meanwhile, I hope I never have to experience those situations. However, if you take enough fish oil, all anyone will ever know is that someone just shit a halibut.

[K7SGJ]

Australian Telephone Operator: "G'day mate, Helpline here. What's the problem?"

Caller: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her THIGH by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"

Caller: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.

[KG4NEL]

Australian Telephone Operator: "G'day mate, Helpline here. What's the problem?"

Caller: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her THIGH by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"

Caller: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.




http://d3j5vwomefv46c.cloudfront.net/photos/large/755877416.jpg?1365470632

[NQ6U]

"A dung beetle rolls his ball into a bar and gets so drunk he falls off his stool."

http://cdn.zmescience.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/dung-beetle.jpg

[KG4CGC]

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

[NQ6U]

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Are absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[NA4BH]

I knew a couple of guys that opened a whore house, they ran it by hand until they could get some girls.

[KG4CGC]

Now that one was a zinger.

[HUGH]

How can you tell whether your dog or your wife loves you the most?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour and then see what happens when you open it.

[KG4CGC]

Today at Walmart I went the extra mile. When it came time to sign my name, a thought popped in my head. I should draw a picture. But what picture should I draw? I smirked as something completely juvenile came to me. This is a rough drawing of the signature that I provided: Read the rest:

http://www.tickld.com/x/this-guy-just-made-the-staff-at-walmart-lose-their-mindsthis-is-genius

[WØTKX]

Be safe out there...

http://youtu.be/2UuF80YYzPA



http://youtu.be/2UuF80YYzPA

[NQ6U]

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.

[n0iu]

Did you hear about the Yagi that married a dipole?

The wedding wasn't that great, but the reception was fabulous!

[NQ6U]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[W9JEF]

I knew a couple of guys that opened a whore house, they ran it by hand until they could get some girls.

I hear tell that it's now air-conditioned--blowers are on the third floor.

[N2NH]

A little girl was talking to President Bush about whales. Mr. Bush told her that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the President reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

Mr. Bush asked, "What if Jonah went to the other place?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

[NQ6U]

A young boy is playing in his parents' room when he hears his mother arrive home. Since he's not allowed to be in there and doesn't want to be caught, he hides in the closet before his mother walks in with a man who is not the boy's father. The couple are just starting to undress when they hear the father's car pull into the driveway. Panicking, the mother tells the man to hide in the closet.

So the boy and the man are sitting there together. "It's dark in here" says the boy. "Yep" replies the man. "I have a baseball" says the boy. "That's great kid". "Wanna buy it?" the boy asks. "Not really kid". So the boy continues: "my dad owns a lot of guns". Realizing what's happening, the man asks "alright, what will it cost to keep you quiet?". "Fifty bucks". So the man gives the boy his money for the baseball, and once the coast is clear they both slip out and on their way.

A few weeks later, the boy is playing in his parents' room again, and the mother comes home with the same man. When the father arrives, they again find themselves hiding together in the closet. "It's dark in here" says the boy. "Yep". "I have a baseball mitt". "Great kid... what will it cost me this time?" "Fifty bucks" replies the boy. They make their exchange and wait until the coast is clear.

Another week goes by before they find themselves hiding together in the closet again. "It's dark in here" says the boy. "Let me guess," says the man, "you have a baseball bat you'd like to sell me?" "Yep, a hundred bucks".

The following weekend, the boy's father asks him if he'd like to go outside and play catch. "We can't" the boy tells him, "I sold my glove and baseball and bat". "Why would you do that?" his father asks. "I got two hundred bucks for them!" the boy tells him. Shocked, the father says "I can't believe you would take advantage of one of your friends like that! Tomorrow morning when we go to church you're going straight into confession and asking forgiveness for what you've done." So the next morning they go to church, and the boy's father sends him straight into the confessional. "It's dark in here" says the boy, and the priest replies "don't start that shit with me again kid".

[WØTKX]

http://youtu.be/5gskZizjEak



http://youtu.be/5gskZizjEak

[K7SGJ]

http://youtu.be/5gskZizjEak



http://youtu.be/5gskZizjEak


I think he is great. His Last Week Tonight show is funny as hell, while tackling some of the biggest issues and stories of the day. His take on things, while quite humorous, does make me stop and look at things from a point of view that is off the wall, and yet, makes a lot of sense. Leave it to the Brits. Who Gnu?

[W3NCH]

After many years of successful practice, a gynecologist decided to take an early retirement in order to pursue his hobby of auto mechanics full-time. He enrolled in the BMW mechanics training course and when he finished his final exam, he was pleased but a little baffled by his score of 150%. He asked his teacher to explain it.

"Well," said the teacher "you not only took apart and reassembled that engine perfectly, I felt I had to give you some extra credit. That was the first time I'd ever seen anyone do it through the muffler."

(My XYL told me that joke, BTW)

*dies laughing*

[W3NCH]

WOW! Once you go through that, I guess there is nothing in life that can phase you.
Meanwhile, I hope I never have to experience those situations. However, if you take enough fish oil, all anyone will ever know is that someone just shit a halibut.

*hysterical laughter* omg this thread is fucking killing me.
I could not imagine the plane shits. That's so freaking horrible. I have trouble taking a crap at my boyfriend's house. I would probably want very much to change my name and move to another country if I went through all of that...

[n0iu]

After many years of successful practice, a gynecologist decided to take an early retirement in order to pursue his hobby of auto mechanics full-time. He enrolled in the BMW mechanics training course and when he finished his final exam, he was pleased but a little baffled by his score of 150%. He asked his teacher to explain it.

"Well," said the teacher "you not only took apart and reassembled that engine perfectly, I felt I had to give you some extra credit. That was the first time I'd ever seen anyone do it through the muffler."

(My XYL told me that joke, BTW)

Reminds me of the cardiologist who took his Harley to the shop because it was running rough. He comes back a couple of days later and asks the mechanic what was wrong. So he says that one of the valves was sticking so he had to replace it and the fuel line was clogged so he also had to replace that as well.

Then the mechanic says, "Hey doc, this is sort of like what you do, so how come I only make $40,000 a year and you make $400,000 a year?" to which the cardiologist replies, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

[N2NH]

I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. "Don't be silly," she replied. "Borrow my iPad."

That spider never knew what hit him.

[n0iu]

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:

Husband : I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : What is her height ?

Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .

Sergeant : Build?

Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : Color of eyes?

Husband : Never noticed.

Sergeant : Color of hair?

Husband : Changes according to season.

Sergeant : What was she wearing?

Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

Husband : yes.

Sergeant : What kind of car was it?

Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine with direct injection generating 460 HP, 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door................. at this point the husband started crying...

Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car.

[K7SGJ]

The wife suggested I get myself one ofthose penis enlargers. So I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

[N2NH]

13314

[KG4CGC]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

[K7SGJ]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girllooked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin... perhaps it's aboot timefor a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on thecheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out overthe loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny foryour thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot timefor a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him fora few seconds. Then he blushed.

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts,Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time youlet me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand andput it on her knee. Then he lushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the lochbefore the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit herlip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time yepaid me the first three pennies?"

[KG4CGC]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[WV6Z]

Hee hee...... the labs are always the expensive part!

[N2NH]

13397

[n0iu]

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says,

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"

[W5BRM]

My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.

[KG4CGC]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

[K7SGJ]

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

[K4PIH]

It was revival night at the church. Right in the middle of his best fire and brimstone sermon ever, there's a huge boom and cloud of sulphur smoke and Satan himself appears at the alter. The preacher yells everybody out if you want to live and chaos erupts as the crowd stampede out. Satan let's out a horrible roar and declares the place is mine! Then he notices one guy sitting in the last pew and rushes over and says hey aren't you afraid of me! To which the man replies hell no, I've been married to your sister for 50 years.

[KG4CGC]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[KG4CGC]

A plane is on its way to New York when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m staying right here.”
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
“I told her first class isn’t going to New York.

[KG4CGC]

NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW
NSFW

...
...
...

A girl in my high school sex ed class didn't quite understand how she could get pregnant if a dude pulled out before he finished. Then her basketball player boyfriend stood up and yelled, "Before a man shoots he's gotta dribble!"


When I was in sex ed many years ago, all the guys got to write questions for the girls on paper notes and vice versa. One of the guys wrote: "What is the largest thing you could fit inside of you?" One of the girls answered: "an infant." Preach.
In grade 6 sex ed, my friend asked "Why do girls use tampons instead of pads?" and before the teacher could say anything, another kid piped up with "Because they get orgasms when they use them."
"I fucking wish!" Exclaimed the teacher.

Girl sitting behind me stood up and asked, "How many calories are there in semen?"

I took my high school's health requirement over the summer. I opted for the four-week course, which was about 70% the cliche summer school crowd. We had all types of troublemakers.
Also there was a pregnant girl. She was pretty far along, already showing in the belly department. The teacher had just done the contraceptives lesson and was doing a little post-lecture review. she asked us, "What is the most effective form of contraception?
"As expected, we said "use the pill specifically for contraception, but wear a condom to protect against diseases." Totally legit, everyone was on board.
But the pregnant girl raised her hand and said, "Mrs Miller, I'm confused. I thought the safest thing would be to not let the boy finish inside of you, so shouldn't the pull-out method be the safest?
"Our teacher explained the error of her ways, to which the girl replied "Damn, I thought pull-out would be foolproof. That's what I've been using." There were no words.

THEY GET WORSE!

We had an inner city kid who openly asked in a very rural conservative small-town school whether it was possible for "the skeet to drip down from da booty hole and get a bitch pregnant."

In 6th grade some kid asked "if a guy cums it's called ejaculation, so when a girl sprays liquid out whats that called?" The teacher said "females do not do that."

The boy looked at her and said "trust me, they do. I've watched like thirty of them do it. It's called the internet."

Our school's gym teacher was missing her left hand at the wrist. It was a birth defect, she's done some pretty cool things despite it.

In the 9th grade, we had her for the sex ed unit of phys ed. During her lesson, she was doing a bit about contraception. She was talking about different methods, then she got to condoms.
Someone asked "what happens if a guy is too big to use a condom?"
She took one, unwrapped it, applied it over her left wrist and rolled it all the way down her damn arm. Then said something along the lines of "and most of you boys think you need magnums?"

I went to a parochial (church) school. The pastor taught the sex ed class. At the end of the class we had question time. This boy asked the teacher if it was gay to take a picture of his own dick and jerk off to it.

A chick asked: "If I have sex with my dad and have a kid, is the kid my brother or my son?"

I went to a public school in Texas, where only abstinence sex ed is taught, as part of a unit on health your freshman year....there were three pregnant girls in my class. It was a little awkward.

A kid in my sex ed class once asked "why are periods blue?"

He'd obviously seen a few too many tampon/pad commercials.

As a student I thought it would be funny to ask my grade 7 teacher what tea-bagging was.

I figured she wouldn't know. Instead she went on a 15-minute speech about what it was and why people may want to do it. The class was so stunned, and I was pretty embarrassed.

A cute girl said, "I have never done this, but my boyfriend said sperm is good for the skin and can keep you looking younger if applied to the face. Is this true?"

I openly laughed and at the same time knew that she had been letting her boyfriend cum on her face because he was able to convince her it was "good for her skin".



My sex ed teacher in high school and wanted to have a serious discussion about STDs because statistically speaking 1/3 students at my school already had one.
She explains this and that the two counties feeding into our high school had some of the highest rates of STDS in the nation. She then asks: "So why do you think that is?"

Before she can get in a word about condoms and staying protected, kid pipes up: "It's fucking Nebraska; what else are we going to do?"


Some kid in my sex ed class asked if sperm floats ... in the air ... like a helium balloon.

In 8th grade sex ed class, the teacher (an old woman who was a nurse) did the usual anonymous questions deal, and it went about as you would expect.But then she starts reading one to herself, and responds: "I, I.... I just don't know........ the exact, um... exactly how.... the exact circumference of Jupiter..."
Immediately, a stoner-type with long hair in the back of the classroom who had been silent up to this point pops his head up and says, "oh, that's me. I'm tryin' to do my science homework."

In grade six, my sex Ed teacher - who was a bald, fat, and just disgusting to look at - opened the class with "You girls might think I don't know much about your bodies, but I just got my wife pregnant for the second time." No one said anything.

A kid in my first awkward 5th grade sex ed class asked if it hurts to get an erection. They were supposed to be anonymous questions written on notecards but adding "from Paul" didn't help his case.




Our teacher was going over the male reproductive system and went on to say that the purpose of the scrotum was to protect the testicles. From the back of the classroom came the voice of a large football player yelling "Well it does a SHITTY job!

[WZ7U]

Jokes Yuks Laughs Ha ha and Jocularity Thread

Seems that from time to time a joke or two gets posted. How about a thread devoted to same, like the random thought, what are you listening to forum, etc. All in favor say STFU.

<-------------------------------------------------------------------------------->
Shut The Fuck Up!

no, really, bring em on! I love this thread

[K7SGJ]

In the glorious days of the BritishEmpire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost in central Africato relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacementand showing the usual courtesies that protocol decrees, (gin and tonic,cucumber sandwiches etc), the retiring colonel said,

"You must meet my Adjutant, CaptainSmithers. He's my right-hand man, and he's really the strength of thisoffice. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers wassummoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet ahunch-backed, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen ofhumanity, a particularly unattractive man, less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, oldman, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, Igraduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the MilitaryCross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented GreatBritain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the boxing middleweightdivision of the Olympics. I have researched the history of . . . . "

Here the colonel interrupted,"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers; he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witchdoctor to fuck off."

=

[KG4CGC]

That's sounds like Monty Python!

[KG4CGC]

NSFW!




My first date was a blind date with some girl my friend said was hot. Turns out she was hot but utterly stupid. All throughout the date all she wanted to talk about is how school is stupid and that it doesn't matter in the real world.
She literally said, 'If school is so important why do people watch porn?'. We then started to get in an argument about porn. She told me that since she was my girlfriend now that I couldn't watch porn.
I told her that she was in no way my girlfriend and I left the restaurant right there.


My worst first date and worst online dating experience: I started talking to a girl on OKCupid. She was pretty, seemed down to earth, liked Skyrim and Game of Thrones, and generally seemed cool. We planned to meet tonight for dinner. I get to the restaurant at around 7. As I'm sitting outside, I hear 'Hey!' I look and have to do a double take. This is definitely the girl I was talking to, but she was much bigger in real life than her pictures lead on (she had a lot of those angle and close-up shots) and not that great looking. She was wearing a Pokemon shirt that was too small on her, and her gut kept falling out. But hey, I wasn't going to back out, so we started talking and went inside. I noticed when we were sitting down that she never closed her mouth, and breathed loudly out of it.
She would just stare at me while mouth-breathing. It was so weird. When we were choosing appetizers, she claimed that she couldn't eat mozzarella sticks because she 'self-diagnosed' herself with Chrons Disease since cheese made her gassy. Then she started insulting our waitress (a really pretty girl), saying 'I bet she likes Twilight and Jersey Shore. I'm probably the only girl who likes gaming around here. I'm real.' She kept making grunting noises and heavy breathing noises, and at one point she got sauce on her double chin and never wiped it off.
When the waitress brought out our dinner, my date went "A wild steak appears" and the waitress and I just sort of looked at her. It was awkward. Towards the end of the meal, she farted really loud and started crying because she was embarrassed about it. Everyone was looking at us and I just sat there.


I decided to meet up for coffee with a girl that I had been talking to online. We talked for 45 minutes or so - normal first date topics like family, travel, etc. She then asks, 'where did you do your undergrad?' Now, I have a pretty good job, but that question sets the bar pretty high for a guy who didn't go to college.
She is not only assuming that I went to college but is also assuming that I am taking part in some type of post-graduate school. When I said that I went to technical school and then straight into the workforce she looked at me as if she'd never heard of such a thing.
Apparently, I didn't pass all of her minimum requirements to be considered human. After a brief pause, she broke off her shocked stare, placed her hand on her forehead in a fashion that covered her eyes, inhaled briefly and followed it by a valley-girl, 'eew!' She took her Blackberry out of her purse and whispered to herself as she typed, 'he ... didn't ... even ... go ... to ... college ...' I then saw the left thumb hold the shift key as she deliberately pressed the exclamation point key once... ! Twice... !! Three times... !!! In reality, each one of those keystrokes was a simple tapping of a small piece of plastic, but, in my head, it sounded like a metal bank vault door was repeatedly slamming shut.
She pressed a few more buttons on the phone, presumably sending this text message to her total BFF. She put the phone away, looked at me, and after taking a deep breath said, 'well that is okay. Not everybody is capable of going to college.' She put on a fake smile followed by an awkward laugh and just stared at me awkwardly.
I couldn't believe that she'd react so rudely to something and then try to act as if it didn't happen. Perhaps she still believed that, like a child playing hide and seek, if you covered your eyes you would disappear.
After staring at each other awkwardly for a few seconds, I finally broke the silence by saying, 'Wow, okay. So, yea... I, uhm guess it is about time to get out of here?' I stood up and took my trash to the trash can and she followed me out the door. I turned and began walking down the street and she followed closely and said, 'how far away is your car?' This girl was expecting a ride! So, I stopped and turned around and said, 'oh, I am about a block this way. Where did you park?' She replied, 'Oh, I took the bus here. I don't have a drivers license.' Now, I am normally not a rude person. Even in that situation, I was going to just walk away and let that be that, but I just couldn't pass this opportunity up.
I looked at her right in the eyes and said, 'eew!' Pulled out my cellphone and typed, 'she ... doesn't ... even ... have ... a ... license ... ! ... !! ... !!!' I then put my phone away, looked up at her, smiled and said, 'That's okay! Not everybody is capable of driving a car! Lucky for you, the bus stop is right over there. I hope you don't have to wait too long!' I wish I took a picture of the look on her face as I walked away. It was priceless.

[WZ7U]

Where in the world would you have to work where that couldn't be considered safe?

Seems pretty tame to me.

[KG4CGC]

Where in the world would you have to work where that couldn't be considered safe?

<snip>

Merika.

[WZ7U]

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh

[KG4CGC]

A lady just asked me for directions..
I told her I wasn't familiar with the area and apologized..
She continued to ask me the same question over and over..
so I gave her directions..
then she told me that god sent her to me. God has a great sense of humor..
cause she's still gonna be fuckin' lost.

[AA1OH]

A lady just asked me for directions..
I told her I wasn't familiar with the area and apologized..
She continued to ask me the same question over and over..
so I gave her directions..
then she told me that god sent her to me. God has a great sense of humor..
cause she's still gonna be fuckin' lost.
I can relate-In New England they still give directions by were a landmark use to be. " Go down the road and turn were the tree blew down in the hurricane of 1938" No one living has ever seen this tree but they still tell you to turn at that point. Truth.

[KG4CGC]

I can relate-In New England they still give directions by were a landmark use to be. " Go down the road and turn were the tree blew down in the hurricane of 1938" No one living has ever seen this tree but they still tell you to turn at that point. Truth.

"... you'll know you're getting close when you see the spot where they're getting ready to put up that new bank."

[NQ6U]

A lady just asked me for directions..
I told her I wasn't familiar with the area and apologized..
She continued to ask me the same question over and over..
so I gave her directions..
then she told me that god sent her to me. God has a great sense of humor..
cause she's still gonna be fuckin' lost.

Post o' the Week.

[WZ7U]

^^A ha! A great idea for a stand alone forum topic^^

[WØTKX]

Jokes, yuk yuk yuk. Just call me the King of Cartoons. :evil:

https://stephanpastis.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/111.gif?w=584

[WZ7U]

All hail the King

[KG4CGC]

LOL and :homer:

[NQ6U]

Probably my favorite strip since the late, lamented Calvin & Hobbes. Take a look at my current profile picture (https://forums.hamisland.net/member.php/415-K6BSO).

[WØTKX]

I got the moniker of "rat" in elementary school.

That cartoon makes me glad I did. :mrgreen:

[KG4CGC]

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said, "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?" The guy says, "oh I went to Yale". The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday." Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"



Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench, and a man in a trench coat walked over and flashed them! Two of the little old ladies immediately had a stroke, but the third one didn't want to touch it.

[KG4CGC]

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

My experience is there are people all over the place I stop and ask, "How did you beat a million other sperm?"

[KG4CGC]

"My stepmother (really nice lady, but very tightly wound) told me Satan put the dinosaur bones in the ground to trick us. I asked her why: 1. God would let Satan mess with his creation, and 2. Then why did she let my dad keep a whole shelf of fossils in the living room if they were literally created by the devil? She went and had a meltdown in the bedroom, yelled at my dad for a bit, and I got sent to my room. A little while later my dad came in and said he'd been told to have a serious talk with me. Then he said "Stop torturing your stepmother." He tried to look stern, started laughing, and had to wait till he could get his face under control before he left the room (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4qfhyd/whats_the_most_youve_seen_someone_be_so_out_of/d4skfc0)."


"I live in London as a welfare rep for American students. Knowing that American college costs a bundle, and the program to come over costs a load too, these students tend to be the richest and whitest of suburbia. One day the WiFi went down and I may as well have told them that there was no drinking water in the U.K. About 40 students were knocking on my door telling me it wasn't acceptable and that they were calling their 'daddys' to sort it out. 'My daddy is a lawyer, so if you think you're getting money for this accommodation when I haven't had WiFi you've got another thing coming.' I tried to calm them down, let them know it would be back on in an hour or two when one of them said the following line: 'You can't blame us for being upset, we grew up in 'THE FIRST WORLD!' I was flabbergasted, not only did she talk about being from 'the first world' (who does that) like that is something to be proud of, but her entire argument was, 'everything in my life has always been easy and perfect...how dare you take away the most minor of utilities for 3 hours.' I despair (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4qfhyd/whats_the_most_youve_seen_someone_be_so_out_of/d4smmax)."


"I have a co-worker who once got visibly upset because I said he was about the same age as my parents. He's 51. My parents are 53. I'd like to point out that I didn't just say this out of the blue. He asked how old my parents were, and I knew his age, so I made the comparison. He also said things like 'I work out you know, I'm stronger than guys half my age.' Very much a man child in denial (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4qfhyd/whats_the_most_youve_seen_someone_be_so_out_of/d4slr0g)."


My dad collects coins, because his extremely Hungarian immigrant grandfather convinced him that the Bank (capitalizing it because to him, all banks are just one huge world bank) is determined to steal all his money from him, so he has to have a backup plan. This in and of itself isn't too extreme; plenty of people choose self-sustenance due to a distrust in government and economics, but the real kicker happened when he tried to roll his coins. He has to order his coin rolls online because he doesn't want to go to the bank and get coin rolls because then the bank will know how much money he's hiding from them. I'm not kidding. Anyway, he ordered a bag of coin rolls and waited about a month for them to come before he started getting curious where they were. He asked my mom to check the order tracking while he was at work one day, which led to this conversation: Mom: [Dad's name], it says here that the package made it to [town we live in] two weeks ago, but got sent back. It says you gave no delivery address. Dad: Yeah, why would I do that? I don't want them to know where I live, they might tell everyone (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4qfhyd/whats_the_most_youve_seen_someone_be_so_out_of/d4snwle)."


One day my sister sees one of her friends crying and quickly runs over to her to ask what is wrong. Her friend, through sobs, manages to say 'Everything is just so unfairrrrrrr, I can't even believe my life!!!' My sister is so concerned because this girl seems on the verge of a breakdown. After calming her down for a bit my sister asks again what is bothering the friend, thinking maybe someone died, or her parents are getting divorced... 'Well, you know my birthday is coming up, and so is my sister's....and well (sobs some more) my parents are getting us both brand new range rovers, and because she is older (breaks down) SHE IS GETTING THE BLACK ONE BUT I WANTED THAT ONEEEEEEE!!!' The only thing my sister could do was say 'I am so sorry for you' and walk away. We still do feel bad for her...so detached (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4qfhyd/whats_the_most_youve_seen_someone_be_so_out_of/d4smy3z)."


"My brother's best friend married a pretty rich girl. He said the first time he saw her do laundry she was going through her pockets and throwing her loose change in the garbage. She had no idea that people kept their change. Genuinely thought everyone just threw it away (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4qfhyd/whats_the_most_youve_seen_someone_be_so_out_of/d4soeh8)."


"I've met a few people who are really brilliant in one field, yet lack even the most basic level of sense in certain areas outside of it. Sort of like the thing about Einstein not being able to tie his shoes (if that's true). My favorite was a university professor: absolutely brilliant knowledge of middle eastern politics, particularly around the Israel-Palestine conflict. He could remember insanely precise historical details going back thousands of years, and seemed to understand the subtlest of nuances on both sides of the conflict. His lectures were amazing. Or they would have been, if he had turned off his cell phone. He simply couldn't figure out how to silence his phone, or even turn it on and off. He had let his TA do it for him a couple of times, but then he'd leave with it still off and couldn't figure out how to turn it back on until he came back the next day, so after going through that twice he decided he would just leave it on. And it appeared that every telemarketer on earth had his number, because it would ring at least 5 times an hour at full volume, and he'd just talk over the top of it like it wasn't happening. He also never answered his email, because he apparently didn't realize that he had one or might need to use it. One day he'd forgotten to bring his little water jug, and sent his TA to the vending machine in the middle of a lecture to bring him a bottle of water. She brought it back and handed it to him, and he turned red in the face trying to get it open, before handing it back to her and declaring that something was wrong with it. She opened it quickly and easily: he'd been turning the cap the wrong way. I should specify here that this was not a super old guy who you'd expect to have issues with technology and life in general: he was in his mid or late 40's (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4qfhyd/whats_the_most_youve_seen_someone_be_so_out_of/d4snqw3)."


Did I tell you about my brother's best friend's wife?

[kf0rt]

Kid goes in to interview for a sales job.
Boss man hands him his laptop and says "Sell me this laptop."
Kid picks up laptop and leaves.
Two hours later, boss calls him - "Bring back my laptop!"
Kid says "$200 and it's yours."

[KG4CGC]

Freshman year of college I'm in a math class and we had some random group project to do. A girl in my group informed us she wouldn't be at the next meeting as she was going to have eye surgery. I asked her why and she said "I have genital cataracts" and I said "you mean congenital?" and she gave me an confused looked and everyone backed her up that she really did mean genital and not congenital. Even after I Google it and show everyone the difference between the two words they proceeded to tell me how you can't believe everything you read on the Internet. I was dumbfounded.


I used to work at Walmart as a cashier. During tax free weekend, the place was a mad house. The lines were long and the customers were non-stop. That being said, I can say that at least 80 percent of customers would point out to me, quite angrily, that their total was still including the tax. For example, if their purchase was $148.67 they would wonder why the tax of .67 was on there and why it wasn't an even total, like $148.00 even. I had to repeatedly explain that's not what tax is.


I used to work on the Brooklyn Bridge as an ironworker...One day some poor soul was standing towards the edge and was contemplating jumping. I told my foreman and he called the police, at about this time all the trades on the bridge started to gather and watch this man. Maybe 5 minutes go by and someone starts a "Jump!" chant. This dude was going to kill himself and now he has about 40 people egging him on...he jumped. Quit my job and moved across the country, f_ck those f_cking f_cks.


I was a TA in high school for a regular High School, I think it was World History course. So not Honors, not "Academically Enriched", but not quite eating your own feces either. Anyways, get to class and the power is out so of course everyone is going nuts cause... its dark, I guess? So the teacher still wants to lecture and the kids all groan. That is until one yells out, "Let's watch TV!" YAAAAAY!! Everyone starts chanting, "TV! TV! TV!" I'll never forget the teacher's face as he looked at me. His eyes filled with disappointment about the future of our country. Unable to realize that no electricity also meant no television. Sad.

[KG4CGC]

"I worked in a restaurant that had a huge selection (150+) of hot sauces. We sold them by the bottle but customers could sample any of them and use them on their food. A couple came in, the guy started bragging about how much he loved hot sauce and how he never found one that was too hot. He asked for the hottest one we have. I brought the bottle to his table, he filled a spoon with the sauce and made a big production of how he was going to eat it. I told him not to, the hostess told him not to, the waitress serving the next table told him not to... he put it in his mouth, started choking and gagging, puked on the table then passed out and did a faceplant right into the puke!! We called 911. He woke up right away and kept gagging for a w hile. He refused treatment when the paramedics showed up. They left without even ordering a meal! The girl told one of the restaurant staff that it was their first date"

[KG4CGC]

Holy Shyte ... Only in Easley! ..... You will not believe what just happened ... I pulled into the QT gas station to get a drink ... when I walked up I noticed these two cops watching a woman who was smoking while fueling up. I saw her and thought, "what an idiot and with the cops right there too" Anyway, I went in and got my drink and as I was checking out I hear someone screaming, I look outside and the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around just going nutz! When I got outside the cops had put her on the ground and were putting the fire out. Then they put hand cuffs on her and were putting her in the police car. I was thinking "She shouldn't have been smoking & pumping gas!" But being the concerned citizen that I am, I asked them what they were arresting her for, figuring that catching her arm ablaze would be punishment enough. He looked me dead in my eye and said ... ''WAVING A FIREARM!''

[W3WN]

Holy Shyte ... Only in Easley! .....
< snip >Thanks, I needed that

[KG4CGC]

Guy got out of his car to express some road rage to me. I just got out of my truck, walked past him, pushed the lock button on his door, closed it, walked past him again (his mouth hanging open this time), got back in my truck and drove off. He seemed to be frozen with confusion.

[WZ7U]

:rofl: X infinity

[W3WN]

Guy got out of his car to express some road rage to me. I just got out of my truck, walked past him, pushed the lock button on his door, closed it, walked past him again (his mouth hanging open this time), got back in my truck and drove off. He seemed to be frozen with confusion.
If he did what I think he did, in his moment of rage, now that's a good one!

[KG4CGC]

About 20 years ago, I was playing a game at a game store. Surprising, right? I won't go into detail, but it was a LARP with a darker theme. So, we're playing, and this old guy walks in to the shop and looks at us. He asks, 'Are you guys Satanists?'
Without skipping a beat, my friend Mark replies, ''Why, are you a virgin?'' I friggin lost it.



I once worked at a pizza place where they sold pizzas out of the window until late in the night. A drunk man wandered up and asked for fish and chips.
Colleague: ''You're not doing well with the ladies tonight, are you?''
Him: ''No, how did you know?''
Colleague: ''You're not very good at reading signs.''

[KG4CGC]

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3m6rjd/what_does_your_sos_family_do_thats_just_plain/cvcx4b3/

Poop knives?

[NA4BH]

They make great Christmas presents.

[KG4CGC]

In one of my classes in school, I always used to ask the guy sat next to me for the time. He would always be able to give me the right time, without looking at his watch, even though I couldn't see a clock anywhere in the room. I'd ask him how he always knew the time, and he said that he could tell by the positions of the shadows around the room. After a year of believing this, I noticed there was a clock right there on the wall in front of me.


For the longest time I just assumed that buzzing cicadas was just the sound that the hot sun makes. Then one day I was like, "Wait, the sun doesn't make sound ..."




While camping I spent 5 minutes looking for my flashlight with my flashlight.


When I was younger, I thought I had lost my GameBoy Pocket. This being my most treasured possession, I began a journey throughout the house to find it. I searched everywhere. From my room, which I practically turned upside down, to my living room, where I proceeded to check under every couch and chair in the vicinity. Lo and behold, I found it in my hand after about thirty minutes of searching. The mind of an eight-year-old is a wondrous thing.


I used to work overnight shifts, and then I got off work I would go to Denny's and grab dinner because it was the only place that was open that early. So one day, I get out of my car and start walking to the door when I notice everyone looking DIRECTLY AT ME from the restaurant. EVERYONE. Even the cooks. I check my zipper and it's not open... I look around and nothing. Odd. I keep walking to the door. They start pointing vigorously. I look at my zipper again, then around... NOTHING!
Someone opens the door enough to stick their head out and yells, "For goodness sake, Get IN HERE!" I look around and point at myself to say "ME"? I speed up to the door and THEN reflected in the glass I see the HUGE bull moose 10 feet behind me. Once safely inside I see it had damaged 3 cars and was frothy at the mouth (not Rabies we found out later, just confused and pissed). The police showed up and tranqued him.


This is one I'm particularly ashamed of. Worst of all it was well before my drug days, so I can't blame it on that. But I got the sudoku demo cartridge for the original DS and played the game quite frequently, always struggling a bit with each game. Sudoku is a great game. I never needed to buy it because the demo version was giving me hundreds of hours of fun in itself!

Of course the demo was always just the one game over and over, for years I would play it thinking I was getting a new game each time. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I just never noticed. And I struggled with each game as if I were playing it for the first time. I should probably have mentioned this to my doctor.


Suddenly becoming conscious of your walk and instantly losing all motor skills.

[K7SGJ]

15234

[WZ7U]

Eww ^^^

[KG4CGC]

She called crying and instead of telling her I had moved on I just told her the mozzarella sticks I was cooking were done and that I had to go. What she didn't know was that I was a vegan at the time.

[KG4CGC]

I overheard a guy talking to a girl at a music festival. He exclaimed, "Woah, you got so messed up last night. You have a penis tattooed on your back.” She replied with, "Eh, at least it's something I like."



As I was leaving the bathroom I heard a man say, "Urinal conversation is alright as long as the guy doesn't compliment you on your watch."



Overheard at the grocery store yesterday, a man was explaining to his kid that steaks come from cows. The boy says, "Why do they have to kill innocent cows?" and without missing a beat the dad says, "Because there's not a lot of guilty cows running around.”




People trying to hand out bibles on campus. Man: "Would you like a copy of the Old Testament?"
Other guy: "No thanks, I have the new one."




Overheard a 4th grader say, "Issues? He doesn't have issues. He has a subscription!" From the mouths of babes!




A conversation about names shortening and changing ie. Elizabeth to Beth, then it got to confusing ones like Teddy being short for Theodore. Then:
Friend 1: "How do you get Dick from Richard?"
Friend 2: "Take him out on a date first."




One day, when I was 18 years old, I asked my father if I was a mistake:
"Dad am I a mistake?"
Without missing a beat he quipped, "A mistake? You're not a mistake. You're an f-ing tragedy. You can live with a mistake." He then laughs and walks off.




I heard an older gentleman of about 60 say on the phone while walking off the golf course, "I only hit two balls today, and that was when I stepped on a rake."




I was on the street near one of those guys who “spreads” the word of God. He was pointing at a man and shouted, “You sir, are going to hell!"
With a shrug the guy goes, “Nah man, I’m just going to the DMV, you're going to hell for lying.”








"Well, I've taken up enough of your time......... and vice versa."

[KG4CGC]

When I was an RA in college, one of my residents had a crush on me that wasn't reciprocated. Her roommate invited me over one night to watch a movie with the two of them, then the roommate left the room. There we were, sitting on the floor, watching some stupid chick flick, when she moved over to sit even closer to me. She grabbed a blanket and threw it over our laps, moving even closer. I knew things were going to be going the way of the smooching and horizontal mambo shortly if things went as she planned, but I was not attracted to her and wanted to the foil the plan as best I could. Thank goodness it was taco night in the cafeteria. Even my eyes watered with the stench and spice of that magnificent fart. And it saved me from doing the hibbidy dibbidy with one of my residents.




"A couple once tried to have a threesome with me. They kept trying to touch me and massage me, and my awkward, idiotic attempt at diffusing the situation was to complain incessantly about how hungry I was and could we please go find some fried chicken. Finally I had to explicitly tell them I wasn't interested. They were really nice about it, so nice that they believed me about being starving and loaded me down with all this fresh produce. I had to walk home at midnight carrying two huge armfuls of cabbage and pears and stuff. All my housemates were up when I got back and wanted to know where I had found a farmer's market so late at night."






When I was an RA in college, one of my residents had a crush on me that wasn't reciprocated. Her roommate invited me over one night to watch a movie with the two of them, then the roommate left the room. There we were, sitting on the floor, watching some stupid chick flick, when she moved over to sit even closer to me. She grabbed a blanket and threw it over our laps, moving even closer. I knew things were going to be going the way of the smooching and horizontal mambo shortly if things went as she planned, but I was not attracted to her and wanted to the foil the plan as best I could. Thank goodness it was taco night in the cafeteria. Even my eyes watered with the stench and spice of that magnificent fart. And it saved me from doing the hibbidy dibbidy with one of my residents.













The Old Fried Chicken Excuse

"A couple once tried to have a threesome with me. They kept trying to touch me and massage me, and my awkward, idiotic attempt at diffusing the situation was to complain incessantly about how hungry I was and could we please go find some fried chicken. Finally I had to explicitly tell them I wasn't interested. They were really nice about it, so nice that they believed me about being starving and loaded me down with all this fresh produce. I had to walk home at midnight carrying two huge armfuls of cabbage and pears and stuff. All my housemates were up when I got back and wanted to know where I had found a farmer's market so late at night."










It was 2005 or 2006. With some friends at a girl's place. She has a thing for me, but I strongly suspect that she isn't completely mentally stable. We're all on her bed watching Family Guy together. Girl decides she f_cking wants me. Rolls on top of me, pins are arms. Friends are like 'uuuuuh, we're gonna leave' and start to head out. I give them the 'DON'T F_CKING LEAVE ME' eyes. I think fast. Wrestling instincts take over. Flip her over, I'm on top of her with her arms pinned now. She has the 'OH F_CK YES' look in here eyes. I hop up, and 'WOOOP WOOOOP WOOOP WOOOP' Zoidberg crab walk away. She did turn out to be crazy as f*ck. Avoided sticking my d_ck in crazy.




Last year my birthday happened to be when I was on spring break from university. Fast forward through a long week at home to my birthday night. Cue college kid shenanigans. 3 hours later I'm laying in bed in my friends basement when a girl from the party comes in and lays in the bed. She starts trying to make moves, but because I have a girlfriend I decide that I didn't want anything to do with her. I drop hints that I was too drunk, wasn't feeling it, needed to sleep, and this girl wouldn't let up. I pretended to give up, she started making out with me, and then, I had a stroke of genius. I stuck my finger in her butt, and she replied "I'm not really an anal girl" then promptly left the room. Many laughs have been had over that story





A few years back, single, and on the mend from a 9 year relationship, I was on Facebook chatting with my Mother's best friend. We were talking about her kids who are my age, and how they've been, and how I wished I had hung out with them more in High School. The conversation becomes a bit more personal, and it migrates to text. She's asking me how big I am, and how she's always been curious. She's a very attractive lady, but 30 years older than I am. Plus, she has a big rack. Which I got to see based off the pictures she started sending me. In a moment of weakness, I decided, I'm going to hit this. I give her my address, and she starts driving over. In a moment of clarity, I realized what was about to happen and started freaking out. I called my Mother shortly before her friend arrived and told her I was homesick. That I missed her cooking. I asked if she could please come over and cook with me. She enthusiastically agreed, and said she'd be right on down! I asked her if she could please call 5-10 minutes before she got there because I may be in the shower. Her friend then arrives, and immediately strips down naked before the door even shuts. She starts straddling me and my phone rings. I pick it up, put it on speaker, and it's my Mother saying she's about 5 minutes away. Her friend had the deer in the headlights look, put her clothes back on, and bolted.

[KG4CGC]

Every Christmas my in laws ask me to cook dinner for them. They always want steaks, and I always make sure to cook them exactly as ordered. I've been cooking for years at a restaurant, and now at the firehouse and know my way around a steak. Every year I stand out in the cold and grill their dinner while they sit inside and enjoy the fire. Every year they insist that their steaks are pink. Every year I prove to them that the lighting in the dining room is pinkish and if they would simply come outside and view their steaks in natural light they would know. So I go back outside and grill their steaks until they turn to charcoal to make them happy.
Every year I have to listen to 6 months of complaints about how f---ing tough the steaks were" Source (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskRed%20dit/comments/smnvr/my_sister_once_started_crying_and_locked_herself/c4f9pg0/)

[KG4CGC]

I had a patient with whom I had a billing dispute refer to me as a horse doctor. In a split second, it just came to me: No, I'm not a veterinarian; perhaps you are confusing me with my father. I think he once treated your mother.

[KG4CGC]

"I was working as a junior executive of a private corporation in the mid 70's. I was headed out to a festive lunch on Dec. 23rd with some of my colleagues to celebrate the coming holiday. As I was preparing to leave, the CEO stopped by my office to beg me to pick up a Christmas gift for his wife on my way back because he 'was running late and didn't have a clue' what she might like. He dropped his AmEx credit card on my desk on his way out of the office. I knew better than to say I didn't think it was part of my job description. His wife got a $1,400 hand tailored leather designer purse for Christmas that year. I heard later that she loved it. Funny, my boss never even asked me to get him coffee after that."

[WØTKX]

Some of this is reads like Penthouse Letters. :snicker:

[AA1OH]

OK true story. I had neighbors that thought AM and FM stood for American music and Foreign music!
When I ran the tech lab we had a new engineer come in and after a hour pawing through our resistor pile I asked her if I could help. She said she was looking for a 10K resistor. Looking over her shoulder I reached in and picked one up and gave it to her. She looked puzzled at it and said "it does not look like it should, it is not zig-zag like the drawing".

[KG4CGC]

When I was in kindergarten, I drew a male ghost going to the bathroom. I had older brothers, so it was very detailed (and I even put a water-line on the testicles...because that is where I thought urine was stored). The teachers and principal called in my parents for a "serious conference" and asked my dad what he was going to do about the picture. After my dad finished laughing, he told them that he was going to make copies and send them to all of his friends and relatives for Halloween. And he did. That was 40 years ago...and I still have a few extra copies if any of you need them. Oh, and I found out that balls do not, in fact, store urine.

[WØTKX]

^^^ Avatar material! :evil:

[KD8TUT]

So... there's this sign above the sink at work: "Please do not throw away the wire sink strainer".

This bothered me... who would throw away a sink strainer??

So to test reality... I decided to throw away the fire extinguisher which was next to the note.

Three days later.... no note about the fire extinguisher- but there's a new fire extinguisher.

So I put up a note which said "Do not throw out the fire extinguisher".

Boss stopped by and told me "Good idea".

[WZ7U]

Holy crap! I want a job there. I know better than to throw away a sink strainer and a fire extinguisher, so can I at least get a ground floor job?

Unfrickinbelieveable!! :rotflol:

[KD8TUT]

Holy crap! I want a job there. I know better than to throw away a sink strainer and a fire extinguisher, so can I at least get a ground floor job?

Unfrickinbelieveable!! :rotflol:

Been considering throwing out the Keurig machine for additional kicks. Or hiding all the k-cups except for the decaffeinated ones.

Though as a commentary: if you can figure out that story I just told.... you will understand the meaning of life.

We need a PC tech if your interested. But I'm not on the hiring team.

[WZ7U]

Mike, I can barely fucker my way around a home PC so I won't embarrass everyone involved by applying. But thank you for the offer

Just out of curiosity, just what exactly is a 'PC tech' and what would one do? Maybe I could do the job after all (but probably not from here)

[KD8TUT]

Mike, I can barely fucker my way around a home PC so I won't embarrass everyone involved by applying. But thank you for the offer

Just out of curiosity, just what exactly is a 'PC tech' and what would one do? Maybe I could do the job after all (but probably not from here)

A PC tech is responsible for fixing all the computers in the company. We've got about 400 of them company wide.

[WZ7U]

Well, I'd probably be better to be the guy giving the techs something to do, huh? :snicker:

[W3WN]

< snip >
Just out of curiosity, just what exactly is a 'PC tech' and what would one do? Maybe I could do the job after all (but probably not from here)Depends on the company.

In general terms, someone who is responsible for maintaining desktop workstations, ie PC's, and possibly mobile (laptop/tablet) machines as well. "Maintaining" including but not limited to hardware repair, updating components, setting up and configuring, and (when staff leave or are assigned to other duties) removing or replacing the machines. And, of course, the monitors, keyboards, mice, and/or other related peripherals. Which may include scanners, printers, and other devices.

KB3ERQ and I are part of a small IT shop -- 4 man team including our boss. "PC Tech" is part of what we do.

[KG4CGC]

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, (or any place on the planet) the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."
The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."
This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?

[KG4CGC]

Large amounts of debt, affairs, substance abuse, and porn are all fairly common in terms of secrets that pop up in my cases. So much so, it's almost expected. However, this one was my favorite... Client is an elderly gentleman, some type of retired professional. His son is a pastor. Everything about his situation seemed very normal in terms of income, property, etc. However, it turns out he had a pretty serious porn hobby and he was concerned his wife might find out and use it against him in the divorce. However, as I mentioned above, I assured him that was pretty run-of-the-mill these days and unlikely to affect anything. He then asks if I feel the same knowing the porn is not 'mainstream.' I asked what he means and he looked very nervous. I wanted to make sure he wasn't referencing anything to do with minors, so I pushed him on it.
The guy was into goats.

[WZ7U]

.

[WZ7U]

Saw this sig line over on eHam for ww7ke, clever and funny too IMO

"He speaks fluent PSK31... He operates 20 meters, on 15... His Wouff Hong has two Wouffs... Hiram Percy Maxim called HIM "The Old Man..." He is... The Most Interesting Ham In The World!"

[KG4CGC]

Saw this sig line over on eHam for ww7ke, clever and funny too IMO

"He speaks fluent PSK31... He operates 20 meters, on 15... His Wouff Hong has two Wouffs... Hiram Percy Maxim called HIM "The Old Man..." He is... The Most Interesting Ham In The World!"

Ah, he was talking about our own Godfather.

[KG4CGC]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

[KG4CGC]

The speeding pilot
I had this funny little pun I always wanted to crack when someone was speeding.
So there I am, shooting with my laser and pulling over this guy in a Volvo. "That was a bit fast, may I see your pilot license?" So the guy in the Volvo responds. "Sure thing", and provides a pilot license.
At that moment I decided to stop making that joke, but I let him go with a warning. "Everything seems to be in order, drive a bit more careful from now on, will you?"


Late on a weeknight I found a van sitting on the side of a county road. The driver's side door was open and the driver was in the seat with his legs propped up sticking out of the window. I turned around and stopped behind him. The guy in the driver's seat was very drunk and passed completely out. He wasn't even aware I had showed up. I had to shake him to wake him up. When he came to, he looked at me for a second, straightened up in the seat, fixed his clothes a bit, closed the door, put on his seat belt, leaned out the window and said, "Is there a problem, officer?"

[KG4CGC]

3 guys are talking about how each one of them drives a car that best matches their profession.
The first guy says, "Well I am an astronaut, and I drive a Saturn."
The second guy says, "Man. That ain't nothin'. I am a pimp, and I drive a Ford Escort."
The thirds guy says, "Guys, I have you BOTH beat. I am a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe."

[KG4CGC]

From the chapter of life: That Moment You Realize You're Dating an IDIOT!


I had been dating this girl for a few months and it was Christmas time. We weren't super serious but it was serious enough that I was buying her Christmas presents. I found something for her that was perfect and it had a connection to some funny event involving her and my cat. So I made the present from the cat. I thought I was being cute and she would make the connection. Instead, she got pissed that my cat got her a present and I didn't. I thought she was joking. To make matters worse we were at her parents' place and they backed her up. It was extremely awkward and I realized it wasn't going to work out.




We were laying out under the stars and he asked why some were brighter and others dimmer. I told him that there were different sizes, brightnesses and distances away. Confused silence. "You mean, they're not stuck up there?" I'm lying there thinking this can't be true. But oh yes, it was. Upon further questioning I found that he believed the night sky was a big dark blanket like thing with stars stuck on it. The fact that our sun was a star also blew his mind and that just like our sun, other stars could have planets? Too much. I was crushed. I almost broke up with him there and then. But he was very earnest and wanted me to "teach him." So I tried. Two years later and a whole lotta stupid later, we broke up.




We were watching Django, and during the winter training montage there is a moment where the camera pans over a herd of reindeer. At that moment, my ex said something about how she thought it was weird that they would include reindeer in the movie because it kind of breaks the immersion. I was confused and asked what she meant by that. She went on to explain to me how reindeer weren't real animals and just make believe like characters in a fairy tale (aka Rudolph & the rest of Santa's reindeer).





Was on a hike and was following a trail I had read up on online. We get to a fork and I say "okay now we need to go north". She says "haven't we been this whole time?". Confused, I look at her and ask why she says that. She replies "north is the direction in front of you yeah?" Still not entirely sure about the origins of that logic...




(In my defense, this was back in 2004) I found it charming and endearing that he did funny voices, made funny idiosyncratic jokes, and occasionally called me "m'lady". Then I saw Anchorman. Oh my god he literally was doing a 24/7 Ron Burgundy impression, eclipsing his entire personality. I'm not sure I ever really met him.




He shot himself in the leg twice while cleaning a gun. The same gun. 2 weeks apart. 9 mm. Shot himself in the calf the first time, then took out his kneecap the second time, same leg. Took months of surgeries to fix it.




He insisted that women cannot be doctors, only nurses (and vice versa.) He said that the two are the exact same thing except one is male and one is female. He was in his early 20s.




When she told me that she'd never been to France. I knew for a fact she went to Disneyland Paris every year. "Paris isn't in France!" She insisted. We live in the UK, not the USA or somewhere else. You can literally take a train to France.




He thought the Nation of Islam was a place. When I explained to him this was not the case, he responded with, "agree to disagree".




When she flipped out because her third grader came home with "erect" on a spelling list, and was on the verge of calling the school. She honestly had lived her entire life not knowing "erect" had any other use aside from describing a penis.




When she pointed up at a bluish star and sincerely asked "Is that Earth?"




We were 16 at the time and went to go have sex. I realized I didn't have any condoms and that's when she told me I didn't need one because "I trust my body not to get pregnant". I asked her what she was talking about and she told me it takes conscious effort to become pregnant and if she didn't want to be she would never conceive.




I dated a guy for about a month until I found out that he didn't realize that women's breasts made actual milk to feed their babies. He thought "breast feeding" was just a way to hold a baby while giving it a bottle. I told him he was an idiot and he said, with a disgusted sneer, "I didn't know that because I have never known any woman, who had or would, breast feed their child." I told him that I had breast fed my son and he called me a child molester.




When she told me that babies could only happen if there were love, and the only way to get pregnant from a rape is if you loved your rapist.




Didn't actually date him all because of this. Was flirting with a guy and the question of where were you born comes up I said, Boise. He replied, where's that? I looked at him to see if he was joking and told him it's the capital of Idaho. We live in Idaho.




I let him use my tools for the first time. Just bought a new Milwaukee circular saw to cut some railing for our deck. I give him the saw and show him the marks where and how to cut. Go in the house to plug in the other end of extension cord. Before I can get back outside I hear the saw fire up, cutting sound and promptly stop. Go outside to find a partially cut rail, and a fully cut cord.

[NQ6U]

A very attractive woman I met at a friend’s wedding who I would have loved to have dated—until she said this: “London is the capital of Paris, right?”

[KG4CGC]

A very attractive woman I met at a friend’s wedding who I would have loved to have dated—until she said this: “London is the capital of Paris, right?”

Is Vermin the capital of Vermont?

[KG4CGC]

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

[NA4BH]

A very attractive woman I met at a friend’s wedding who I would have loved to have dated—until she said this: “London is the capital of Paris, right?”

Somebody that smart you have to date. It's Federal law.

[KG4CGC]

15470

[KG4CGC]

A man walks into a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It's a shih tzu.

[KG4CGC]

Russian recruitment posts are truly miraculous places - hundreds of thousands of diseases were cured there in just one or two health checks.

[kb2crk]

She told me to give her 12" and make it hurt.

So I screwed her 3 times and punched her in the mouth.

[KG4CGC]

She told me to give her 12" and make it hurt.

So I screwed her 3 times and punched her in the mouth.

We also would have accepted, "folded it in half."

[kb2crk]

We also would have accepted, "folded it in half."

That would be
How do you make my dick 12" long

You fold it in half........

[AL7JK]

Ya but not everybody own's a Johnson. I've seen yours on this forum.

de AL7JK

[K7SGJ]

Dupe

[K7SGJ]

Nobody "owns" their Johnson. They are just temporary caretakers that are tasked to make sure it always works, it's output is clean, doesn't create harmonics, and is constantly polished to a smooth high luster finish. And when they pass, they no longer have a use for their Johnson, and it usually ends up in someone elses hands, so to speak. If you know what I mean.....................

[KG4CGC]

"Doesn't create harmonics?" Most have failed at this task.

[AL7JK]

Bacon grease can also be used as a skin moisturizer. As a kid I watched women
use it on far more than their faces. Had a lot of fun back in those days.
Novice callsign was WD4LSP

[K7SGJ]

Bacon grease can also be used as a skin moisturizer. As a kid I watched women
use it on far more than their faces. Had a lot of fun back in those days.
Novice callsign was WD4LSP

I tried that once myself. Damn near burned my dick off.

[NA4BH]

I tried that once myself. Damn near burned my dick off.

But the bacon was crisp

[KG4CGC]

Wine taster...At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

[KG4CGC]

Sausage Festival Firefighters.
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop , W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory.In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant.
They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived,
the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside,
the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.
Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000,
and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de furst ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat ***** fire truck!!'

[KG4CGC]

15606

[WZ7U]

Aw for fucks sake Charles. That was sooo easy. Funny chit though. Good job sir.

[KG4CGC]

Aw for fucks sake Charles. That was sooo easy. Funny chit though. Good job sir.

Just waiting on the triggered response. I should correct that. Spastic reaction.

[WZ7U]

Nice work regardless the circumstance.

[WØTKX]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ku42Iszh9KM

[KG4CGC]

I remember that. Watched it live ... Back. In. The. Day.

[suddenseer]

But the bacon was crispWhose turn is it to initiate a PM to the squeaky gears about to blow here? I already did it this month.

[suddenseer]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSgmYWaQbR8

[KG4CGC]

It was 1957. Mike goes to pick up his date, Molly.Molly’s father Samuel opens the door and invites him in.He asks to Mike what they’re planning to do on the date.Mike politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.Molly’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”Mike was bewildered. “Excuse me, sir?”“Oh yes, Molly really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”Molly comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.About 15 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Molly rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and shouts at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”

[KG4CGC]

15802

[KG4CGC]

“A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.”The man says, “Yes, it is.”Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”

Man ~ “That’s nice.”Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”Man ~ “OK, how much?”Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”Boy ~ “$750?Man ~ “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost.”
“I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

[kb2vxa]

Another joke... Dark Star was REALLY low budget. Even the original Star Trek didn't use a BEACH BALL for an alien. LOL!

[KG4CGC]

A South Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on U.S. 76/378 East about 40 miles from Columbia. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was on his way to do a 'juggling' show in Downtown Sumter. He didn't want to be more late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the police car.
A drunken good old boy from the backwoods got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cuz ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”

[kb2vxa]

I've had my fill of sick jokes, I stopped listening to our president. That being said, I just remembered something about that alien beach ball. Here at the Jersey Shore we have beach balls with teeth.

1650316504

[KG4CGC]

1659816599

[kb2vxa]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prDoDPIpX4E

[WØTKX]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaKdt64frgQ

[KG4CGC]

I’m a big guy, but my fiancé’s female Australian Shepherd always acted dominant around me, and tried to hump my leg on several occasions. So, one day on the back deck of our house, it went at me again. I decided to show her who’s boss. I grabbed her from behind and started humping her. I did this for, I don’t know, 10 seconds.When I looked up, the new neighbors—who’d just bought the house next door, were all standing in the yard holding their cardboard boxes… just watching me. At the moment, I thought, “It will seem odd if I stop now.” So, I kept going and just waved to them casually. They didn’t say a word, and the next week, they put the house back up for sale.

[WØTKX]

Yuuuuge and Bigly, Dawg.

[WZ7U]

Woof

[WØTKX]

Well, this IS a thread necromancy...

https://i0.wp.com/agoodgoodbye.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Bizarro-Grim-Reaper-Pizza.jpg?resize=1286%2C1536&ssl=1

[KG4CGC]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[KG4CGC]

17157

[kb2vxa]

Let's all sing the Monica Song. Anna one anna two... Yummy yummy yummy I've got love in my tummy 'cause I swallowed when I should have spit.

[KG4CGC]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dresses and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by

saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !!!...

[kb2vxa]

There is a track in Floriduh not five miles long, doo duh, doo duh. They don't run all night and not all day, but they greet it when they come this way...... with a hearty Hia Leah!

17685

[KG4CGC]

The world explained by two cows. (and hence, the reason to stick to chickens)

*SOCIALISM
*
You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

*
COMMUNISM
*
You have 2 cows

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

*
FASCISM
*
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

*
BUREAUCRATISM
*
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk
away.

*
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
*
You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

*
VENTURE CAPITALISM
*
You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.

*
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

*
A FRENCH CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

*
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
*
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

*
A SWISS CORPORATION
*
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

*
A CHINESE CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

*
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.

You worship them.

*
A BRITISH CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.

Both are mad.

*
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
*
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your
country.

You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

*
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

*
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
*
You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

---- Author unknown

[KG4CGC]

A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to spice up his lecture.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

[WØTKX]

17794

[KG4CGC]

An elderly doctor (Dr. Old) decided to retire. There were other doctors in town; no one would be without health care.

But after a while, he got bored, so he opened a "minute clinic" type place. There was a sign out front that read, "$500 per visit. If I can't cure you, I pay you $1000."
One of the younger doctors in town (Dr. Young) was annoyed by this, because several of Dr. Old's former patients left the former for the latter. So Dr. Young decided he could bankrupt Dr. Old.
Here's what happened.
Dr. Young: Doctor, I seem to have lost all sense of taste.
Dr. Old: Hmm. Nurse, get mixture #22 and give the patient 3 drops of it. (Nurse does so)
Dr. Young, spitting it out: Yuck! That's gasoline!
Dr. Old: I guess your sense of taste has returned. $500, please.
A couple of weeks later, Dr. Young came back.
Dr. Young: I keep forgetting things, my memory is shot.

Dr. Old: Nurse, get mixture #22 and give the patient 3 drops of it.
Dr. Young: Oh, no you don't! That stuff is gasoline!
Dr. Old: Your memory seems OK to me. $500, please.
Another couple of weeks go by. Dr. Young returns.
Dr. Young: My vision is awful, I can hardly see a thing.
Dr. Old: Well, I don't have a medicine that can cure that. Here's $1000. (pulls out a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: Hey, that's a $10 bill!

Dr. Old: Looks like your vision is fine. $500 please. And GTHOML.

[KG4CGC]

17840

[KG4CGC]

The soothing sweet apple notes in this beloved tea are achieved by blending elegant chamomile flowers from around the world. Our golden Egyptian chamomile has a delicate floral quality, while chamomile from Mexico contributes a sweet, earthy flavor. You'll take comfort in a cup of this perfectly blended chamomile tea any time of day.

We've used chamomile from the same family of Egyptian farmers for 30 years! The whole village helps harvest, dry and sift the crop by hand.

Delicate floral quality? Egads, I think I've been drinking douche!

[W3WN]

Following was forwarded to me earlier today from W3WH's former administrative assistant... as is...
----------------

One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?) "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket."

"For reading a book"? she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Sure, God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece!!...

[WZ7U]

That is funny

[kb2crk]

17875

[KG4CGC]

the love of diodes is a one way thing

[NQ6U]

the love of diodes is a one way thing

I know there’s got to be a “peak inverse voltage” reply to that but I can’t for the life of me come up with one.

[KG4CGC]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ms1czsNxDj8

[KG4CGC]

A new supermarket opened near my house!

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of freshly mown hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal-grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The in-house bakery features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and pastries.


I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.

[kb2crk]

A new supermarket opened near my house!

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of freshly mown hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal-grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The in-house bakery features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and pastries.


I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.







Sounds kind of shitty

[NQ6U]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar together. The bartender takes one look at them and says “Hey, what is this, a joke?”

[kb2crk]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar together. The bartender takes one look at them and says “Hey, what is this, a joke?”

A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Iman walk into a bar, they all say ouch

[KG4CGC]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.