N8YX
07-08-2011, 06:36 PM
A) Make sure you're not apparently under the influence when you attempt it.
B) Leave what appears to be your equally drunk buddy out of your vehicle.
C) Regarding said vehicle: Pickups - especially mid-sized ones - are capable of properly handling swerving maneuvers only when modified according to NASCAR rules and campaigned on the appropriate circuit.
D) The appropriate circuit does NOT happen to be a 6-lane interstate packed with rush-hour traffic, by the way.
E) About those 'high-speed, low-drag' maneuvers: If you really want your fellow motorists to believe you're an LEO or PS official, see that switch on the dash which turns on your emergency lights and siren? Flip the fucking thing to ON.
F) Now that you've failed A through E, what makes you think that all ten gazillion cell phones throughout your makeshift racecourse are NOT gonna be dialing 1-800-GRAB-DUI with almost perfect synchronicity?
G) God protects fools and drunks. He also protects bikers from fools and drunks, if the biker does his or her part. I managed to create a large enough space cushion between myself and traffic up the road that when said individual passed by me he had a clear lane to the right and ahead. We're talking on the order of 150-200yds. This probably saved me, although I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been to the rear-views and should have seen the jack-ass coming sooner.
H) The guy in the RAV4 you almost hit certainly was on his game and managed to avoid being run off the road and into the right-side guardrail at the exit. Hopefully he'll be summoned as a witness at your trial, dipshit.
I) Re: Item G - God occasionally does answer prayers, though sometimes not exactly in the fashion we mortals favor. No, the state trooper whom we all hoped was sitting in his usual rush-hour hiding place wasn't present today, and so you skated past that potential stop. But you know those safety cables which are now being strung down the median of almost every major interstate? Don't they do a pluperfect, fantabulously marvelous job of keeping you OUT of oncoming traffic whilst ripping the front undercarriage, exhaust and most of the front drivetrain components from underneath your vehicle...and subsequently bringing it to an absolute stop?
As soon as I made it home I texted a co-worker of mine and told her to watch her butt through the area. She replied that when she drove through it, the boys were being made to walk the line. The DUI-test line, that is. I have a sneaking suspicion that the driver failed.
One good thing comes of the incident, however: That particular truck is going nowhere again, even if the drivers mysteriously skate on any pending charges.
The usual Jackass disclaimer regarding professional stunt people, "Don't try this at home" ad nauseum applies here in spades. If such a combination as drinking, driving and excess speed can kill a Jackass like Ryan Dunn, it'll certainly do Bubba Barfly in as well. Only this time, no innocent bystanders went with them.
I'll post links to this as soon as our local paper's website has them up.
B) Leave what appears to be your equally drunk buddy out of your vehicle.
C) Regarding said vehicle: Pickups - especially mid-sized ones - are capable of properly handling swerving maneuvers only when modified according to NASCAR rules and campaigned on the appropriate circuit.
D) The appropriate circuit does NOT happen to be a 6-lane interstate packed with rush-hour traffic, by the way.
E) About those 'high-speed, low-drag' maneuvers: If you really want your fellow motorists to believe you're an LEO or PS official, see that switch on the dash which turns on your emergency lights and siren? Flip the fucking thing to ON.
F) Now that you've failed A through E, what makes you think that all ten gazillion cell phones throughout your makeshift racecourse are NOT gonna be dialing 1-800-GRAB-DUI with almost perfect synchronicity?
G) God protects fools and drunks. He also protects bikers from fools and drunks, if the biker does his or her part. I managed to create a large enough space cushion between myself and traffic up the road that when said individual passed by me he had a clear lane to the right and ahead. We're talking on the order of 150-200yds. This probably saved me, although I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been to the rear-views and should have seen the jack-ass coming sooner.
H) The guy in the RAV4 you almost hit certainly was on his game and managed to avoid being run off the road and into the right-side guardrail at the exit. Hopefully he'll be summoned as a witness at your trial, dipshit.
I) Re: Item G - God occasionally does answer prayers, though sometimes not exactly in the fashion we mortals favor. No, the state trooper whom we all hoped was sitting in his usual rush-hour hiding place wasn't present today, and so you skated past that potential stop. But you know those safety cables which are now being strung down the median of almost every major interstate? Don't they do a pluperfect, fantabulously marvelous job of keeping you OUT of oncoming traffic whilst ripping the front undercarriage, exhaust and most of the front drivetrain components from underneath your vehicle...and subsequently bringing it to an absolute stop?
As soon as I made it home I texted a co-worker of mine and told her to watch her butt through the area. She replied that when she drove through it, the boys were being made to walk the line. The DUI-test line, that is. I have a sneaking suspicion that the driver failed.
One good thing comes of the incident, however: That particular truck is going nowhere again, even if the drivers mysteriously skate on any pending charges.
The usual Jackass disclaimer regarding professional stunt people, "Don't try this at home" ad nauseum applies here in spades. If such a combination as drinking, driving and excess speed can kill a Jackass like Ryan Dunn, it'll certainly do Bubba Barfly in as well. Only this time, no innocent bystanders went with them.
I'll post links to this as soon as our local paper's website has them up.