Ask Charlie Chickenbander!

[w3sy]

From the W3SY Mailbag ---

Charlie Chickenbander wants to get involved here on ZRQ. He writes:

Mercy sakes, how 'bout it all yew cotton pickers! Doggone.... I see that this here duck pluckin' Web Site has a CB board, by golly. Mercy... I figger the least I can do is help ya out with your cotton pickin' CB questions. We can talk about all kinda things on your mind like:

1) What to do when a duck plucka keys up on your channel.
2) How to shut down a cotton picker what don't ask for the break.
3) Hello Mister Coax. Meet Mister Pin.
4) Leenyers, leenyers and more leenyers.
5) The Golden Screwdriver can mean more POUNDS from your radiddio!
6) How to be the Channel Master by yellin' the loudest.
7) Cussin': It's okay onna channel! Even the President and God cuss.
8) Dealin' with beepdeebeep coders on the ten meters HAM channel.
9) Guessing yer way to a HAMster license.
10) Loudest and longest roger beeps -- where to find 'em.
11) Even MORE leenyers.
12) How to organize a good off-air CB fight behind the Burger King.
13) More pills is more POUNDS!

And much more, by golly. Mercy... So how 'bout it, snuffskeeta? Write in to this cotton pickin' HAM board and ask ol' Charlie Chickenbander. Who cares about this duck pluckin' hamster crap? We wanna talk REAL radiddio here. CB! but don't key up on this here cotton pickin' channel lessens I give ya the doggone break first, by golly!

This be the unit 246 outta the cotton pickin' state of Alabama -- the weakest station in the nation with NO modyatation... We back quiet! SCREEEEEEE!! BWEEEEEEEEP!

That was Charle Chickenbander, ladies and gentlemen.

Out.

[kc7jty]

Welcome back Charlie, it's bean a while.

[N3ATS]

Chuck Chicken****! What it is dawg!

[kc7jty]

I used to hear a guy in Philadelphia say as identification of himself on the CB after every transmission..
"This is the Reverend Doctor T-Bone down around the keystone, I got my knees in the breeze, I'm pullin straight back, and I'm gettin up".

[KC8FKS]

Oh yes sir here we go again. over

[N9FE]

leenyers leenyers and more leenyers, i'm still laughin,, more pills more pounds, this is how they talk,, god it's been like ten years since i have even listened to those freq's,, dam funny stuff, and dam glad they all stay right where there at,,,,,

[w3sy]

I used to hear a guy in Philadelphia say as identification of himself on the CB after every transmission..
"This is the Reverend Doctor T-Bone down around the keystone, I got my knees in the breeze, I'm pullin straight back, and I'm gettin up".

"Hello CompUSA? Send me over a new monitor, okay? Mine is covered with Diet Coke spray.... Okay. Thanks. Bye."

[w3sy]

Oh yes sir here we go again. over

That's a big tain foar, ten roger? Break broke? SCREEEEEEEE POP! TWAAANNNNNGGGGGG.....

[KC8FKS]

whatever

[w3sy]

whatever

Foar-ten, foar-ten! Mercy sakes, by golly, fer shurr! ALL them good numbers at ya by golly.

But next time ask th' cotton pickin' channel master for the duck pluckin' break before ya key up onna doggone channel, tain roger?

Beakity Brokity! DWEEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEOOOOOORUMMMPH BATAAAAAWWWWKKKKK PING!!!

[KC8FKS]

You know so much of the cb lingo you must still be one yourself.

[kc7jty]

He converses with Tater & Mushmouse most nights, and Sparkplug at least once a week. Break :shock:

[rot]

Charlie,
Serious question here.
I met this chick on short skip and she mentioned something about a beaver.
Is this an animal lover, a toothpaste, or what?
Need to know ASAP
Your friend,
Skeeter

[N3ATS]

Dear Charlie,

My pals says to check my SWRS I need to push a screw through my coax so the SWRS can make a complete circuit and find their way back to the radio. They says if'n I don't, the SWRS will get lost somewhere near the antenna and not come back to my meter right. Is this true? Also, how do you read the SWR meter. I am guessin' that the more swing in the meter, the better, right?

Thanks in advance,

Leroy "Sticky Finger" Washington.

[KU4MY]

Charlie,
Serious question here.
I met this chick on short skip and she mentioned something about a beaver.
Is this an animal lover, a toothpaste, or what?
Need to know ASAP
Your friend,
Skeeter

Skeeter,
As Chuck seems to be a bit busy at the moment, I shall try to help you out.
A beaver is a short, squatty, ugly, hairy ho with buck teeth and a broad flat
arse. They usually have a nasty temper to boot. Most of these 'beavers' I have
seen would not be considered the 'courtin' variety and are usually so damned
ill that they generally just chatter, bitch, plop their broad flat tails around and
chew on trees.
I would recommend you avoid this evil CB woman at all costs and just opt
for the company of a good family reunion. Remember, like my daddy told
me, "Son, we been workin on perfectin our DNA fer a long assed time, don't
you go out and muss it up by introducing someone that ain't kin."
Hope this helps,
Father Jack

[rot]

Hey Thanks Father Jack,
I got out my foxhunting gear and went to dabbing around a bit.
Seems like the wife was sitting in the mobile running full ghetto blast.
I figured out exactly where she was when the TV went blank.
You know I just went jet black with the hair dye and I think that helps on the skip.
She got to jaw jackin with some dude from Arizona says he...but personally
He couldn't have been more than a two county ride away as the crow flies.
I hate them dad gum contesters....
We got it all figured out.
And just between you and me...Charlie ain't got much time for these issues what not with his noob charity work and all.
The dude is a Saint...iffen you look deep.
OverOver,NC
rot

[KU4MY]

Shhhhhh, don't tell everyone! If they all knew his white hat is only lightly veiled in black, it would ruin his reputation. :lol:

[w3sy]

You know so much of the cb lingo you must still be one yourself.

Close! I WAS a chickenbander back in 1968-1970. But when I left Chickenband for the ham bands, my loyalty to CB ended there. If you have been paying attention, you may have picked up on the fact that I TRIED to use CB a couple times back in the early 1980's but gave up because it was UTTERLY USELESS for anything but the occasional Smokey Report. The operators were such LIDS that it was impossible to get roadside assistance, directions, or a telephone relay. (This was before the cell phone craze.)

Even when I was on CB, though, I was pretty legal. Used callsigns. Didn't curse. Didn't run power. Stayed on the assigned frequencies.

In any case, I got enough of an earful of the nitwits to be able to imitate the lingo pretty accurately... as you can tell.

I'd understand perfectly if you are now a little embarrassed that you asked.

HAW!!!

Good day to YOU, sir.
I SAID good day!

Out.

[w3sy]

Dear Charlie,

My pals says to check my SWRS I need to push a screw through my coax so the SWRS can make a complete circuit and find their way back to the radio. They says if'n I don't, the SWRS will get lost somewhere near the antenna and not come back to my meter right. Is this true? Also, how do you read the SWR meter. I am guessin' that the more swing in the meter, the better, right?

Thanks in advance,

Leroy "Sticky Finger" Washington.

Charlie Chickenbander would like to reply to you! He said:

By golly, you better get some geek or HAMster with a SWRS Meter to come over, pedal to the metal! SWRS is yer cotton pickin' Standing Wavelength. The more SWRS you have, the more pounds ya get out in duck pluckin' skipland. Mercy.... I think what ya gotta do with the cotton pickin' Standin' Wavelength meter is turn the knobs onto it so that you git the most pounds, tain foar? Sometimes alls ya gotta do is take yer doggon Vice Grips and tighten the duck pluckin' PL295 on the back of your radiddio. The tighter you can make the cotton picker, the harder it is for your pounds to leak out. Also make sure you rotate your ground plane so's the other duck pluckers come in between the radials or elements or whatever they is called. You could try a screwgie in your coaks if you want to. Just get the highest standing wavelength you can, by golly. You definitely want yer wavelengths standin' UP because we use vertical polarmification on the cotton pickin' CB channel, by golly. Tain foar? Theis be the unit 246 in the duck pluckin' state of Alabama. We said it and we slip away. BWEEEEEEOOOOOOP pa-TING!!!"

That was Charlie Chickenbander. There he goes.

[w3sy]

Charlie,
Serious question here.
I met this chick on short skip and she mentioned something about a beaver.
Is this an animal lover, a toothpaste, or what?
Need to know ASAP
Your friend,
Skeeter

CUUUUE ESS ELL!!! Charlie writes back at ya....

How 'bout ya, Skeeter! Break broke... 'Preciate the break.... Well mercy sakes alive, a beaver is what the FCC calls a girl chickenbander, tain roger dee dodger? They is also called seat covers, foar ten? But I'll bet she does love critters and has a whole bunch of them in and around her trailer. Probably don't use no cotton pickin' toothpaste, ya heard me? Y'all just be careful with them cotton picken' seat covers, by golly, or you be scratchin' like a hound, how 'bout it? Break broke!

Wise words of caution from Charlie Chickenbander!

[KU4MY]

Good day to YOU, sir.
I SAID good day!



I KNEW it, you are Willy Wonka!!!

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d148/ku4my/Willy_wonka_1971.jpg

[rot]

Charlie
You have ruent my marrige.
We have children.
They're heads are a little to round, but they're children mind you.
I can't find Skeeter nowhere.
He is obsessed with this standin wavelength stuff...bigger..better..
I wish you would stop throwing out the specifics.
He is like drawing stuff on the empty Wendy's bags and french fry holsters.
I don't like it.
You homewrecker you.
Mrs. Skeeter

[KC8FKS]

Dont you mean Standing Wavelength Ratio?

[KG4CGC]

No, he meant this:
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c79/bebop5/22134791.jpg

[kd6nig]

Dear Charlie,

My pals says to check my SWRS I need to push a screw through my coax so the SWRS can make a complete circuit and find their way back to the radio. They says if'n I don't, the SWRS will get lost somewhere near the antenna and not come back to my meter right. Is this true? Also, how do you read the SWR meter. I am guessin' that the more swing in the meter, the better, right?

Thanks in advance,

Leroy "Sticky Finger" Washington.

Charlie Chickenbander would like to reply to you! He said:

By golly, you better get some geek or HAMster with a SWRS Meter to come over, pedal to the metal! SWRS is yer cotton pickin' Standing Wavelength. The more SWRS you have, the more pounds ya get out in duck pluckin' skipland. Mercy.... I think what ya gotta do with the cotton pickin' Standin' Wavelength meter is turn the knobs onto it so that you git the most pounds, tain foar? Sometimes alls ya gotta do is take yer doggon Vice Grips and tighten the duck pluckin' PL295 on the back of your radiddio. The tighter you can make the cotton picker, the harder it is for your pounds to leak out. Also make sure you rotate your ground plane so's the other duck pluckers come in between the radials or elements or whatever they is called. You could try a screwgie in your coaks if you want to. Just get the highest standing wavelength you can, by golly. You definitely want yer wavelengths standin' UP because we use vertical polarmification on the cotton pickin' CB channel, by golly. Tain foar? Theis be the unit 246 in the duck pluckin' state of Alabama. We said it and we slip away. BWEEEEEEOOOOOOP pa-TING!!!"

That was Charlie Chickenbander. There he goes.

Hey Charlie, what do you do when Buford T is "Tail grabbing your ass right now?"

Do you run like The Bandit or pee your pants?

[w3sy]

Dont you mean Standing Wavelength Ratio?

TAIN FOAR!

[w3sy]

Charlie Chickenbander sends along today's advice column for CB'ers. He sends "all them good numbers to all yew duck pluckas onna channel."

Enjoy today's entry from Charlie Chickenbander.

Breeeeak breeeeeeak breeeeeakie broke! Thanks for the break. We DO appre-shee-ate it, by golly. Listen up, you cotton pickers. When you get on MY duck pluckin' home channel, you'd best not key up unless you get the doggone break from ME or whoever else might be servin' as Channel Master. Tain foar? or as them HAMSTERS on the two meters HAM channel say, "CUUUUUUUE ESS ELL???" What in tarnation does that mean? By golly, you say, "Breeeeak channel... mmmmbraek mmmmbreak mmmmbreak... breaker breaker breaker... breakerbreakerbreakerbreaker... this be the [insert yer cotton pickin' handle here, by golly] breakin' one time, how 'bout it break-broke SQUEEEEEEEE kaPING!"

Then if we wanna give ya the cotton pickin' break, we might be sayin' "C'mon breaker. Yew broke it. Now fix it." If we don't wanna give ya no doggone break no how, we be keyin' up and sayin' something like, "Mercy.... git outta there, ya mud duck. Ya cotton picker. Git the f--- outta there, by golly. Yew ain't gonna get no break on this cotton pickin' channel, by golly. We ain't never gonna give yew no duck pluckin' break, ya heard? Git outta there. Git on outta there, ya mud duck. Yew ain't gettin' no m-----f------ break on this cotton pickin' channel. Git outta there. SQUEEEEEEE BROING!!"

Usually that's all it takes to get the bucket mouth offa yer channel. Specially if ya got the power mic turned all the way up to "10."

Iffn he key up again, ya gotta come down a skosha bit harder.... Like, "Mercy.... I done TOLD ya to git outta there, ya duck plucka! Doggone... Well, I'm just a gonna key up, key up, key up on this here channel. I'm gonna key up on ya, bucket mouth. Doggone ratchet jaw, I done told yew to git outta there, by golly. Now yew are SHUT DOWN!! Yew are f---ing SHUT DOWN, ya mud duck! Ain't NEVER gonna give yew no cotton pickin' break, ya heard? I'm just gonna key up, key up, key up on this channel. Nobody can hear yew no more, ya mud duck. So git outta there, cotton picker. Get offa my channel. Get offa my cotton pickin' channel, by golly, because YEW ARE SHUT.... DOWN!!!! Get outta there, ya ratchet jaw....BWOOOOOP SCREEEEEEEEEE POP PRING!!!!"

Iffn that still don't work, introduce Mister Cokes to Mister Pin. Tain foar?

All them good numbers at ya. This be the cotton pickin' Unit 246 outta the state o' Alabama. The one Blue Moose, the weakest station in the nation with NO modyatation... We said it. We slip away...

That was Charlie Chickenbander, folks. The DEAN of all CB'ers.

Charlie,

I went for a pizza last night. The pizza came to $9.96. The guy at the counter asked me for my 20. The change was really a big 10.04.

Does this normally happen this way?

[KU4MY]

Isn't that a sign of the Apocalypse?!?! :shock: