w3sy
09-24-2007, 12:05 PM
Back in the good old days of CB, we had licenses, by golly, and we LIKED it! We had call signs and we USED them.
But even when we DID have licenses, all we had to do to get them was send in an application and a few bucks. Then they did away with the few bucks part. I ask you this, I ask -- How much would YOU appreciate a license that required no effort on your part, and was FREE? Not much, I'd say. And it it showed in the poor operating skills and lack of personal pride in the average Chicken Bander pretty quickly.
So, as your Pope, I shall now declare that operation of a Chicken Band raydiddio will henceforth require sitting for an examination in the presence of the Chicken Band College of Cardinals.
Incentive Licensing, until recently a staple in the Amateur licensing structure, has been restored in the CB ranks. It's very easy to understand: An entry level license will be granted to simple people via a simple exam. A "step-up" license will be offered to more advanced applicants who have mastered such skills as being able to go to the bathroom by themselves. An intermediate license will be granted to operators who are nearly ready to go out in public with minimal supervision. An advanced license will be granted to only the most uppity elite elitist Chicken Banders, many of whom will simultaneously hold Amateur Radio NCT licenses.
The license classes, along with the requirements and privileges, are proposed as follows:
1) Entry level - "Mud Duck Class." Must demonstrate the ability to find the mic button within three tries. Must be able to count to five. (Use of fingers permitted!) Frequency allocations: CB channels 1 thru 5. (See why we test on the ability to count to five?) Modes: A0 (unmodulated carrier) only. This license is for newbie Chicken Banders who need to "get their feet wet." No modulation is permitted, since it's unlikely these operators will have anything worthwhile to say on a raydiddio anyway. However, these new operators can gain extensive hands-on practice "throwing carriers" on top of conversations in progress. This skill will become even more valuable as the new Chicken Bander advances and is using power in the multi-kilowatt range.
2) "Step-up" - "Duck Plucka Class." Must demonstrate ability to key microphone simultaneously with powering up the transceiver. Points will be deducted if the receiver audio can be heard before transmitting begins. Must be able to count to 21. (Use of any available digits or appendages permitted.) Frequency allocations: CB channels 38-40, and any frequency "north" of allocated CB frequencies. This license is for those interested in experimentation on the higher frequncies, just like the Amateur Technician was originally supposed to be. (Snicker...) Most likely, the vast majority of Duck Plucka licensees will spend all their time on channel 38 saying they are "listening." Veteran Duck Pluckas will learn to use more sophisticated terms such as "QSL" and "destinated."
3) Intermediate - "Ratchet Jaw Class." This is the "standard" Chicken Band license. Must demonstrate ability to speak for at least five minutes without actually saying anything. Must survive a fistfight with the examiner out behind the Burger King. Must demonstrate proficiency in ignoring requests for assistance. Hands-on examination: Must be able to render a factory-fresh Chicken Band rig totally inoperative within ten minutes using only one (1) Philips Head and one (1) flat head metal screwdriver. Frequency allocation: CB channels 1 thru 40 ONLY. (wink, wink) Power limit: 5 kilowatts.
4) Advanced - "Good Buddy Class." This is the "top of the line," and rated an even higher accomplishment than a Fifth Grade diploma. Applicant must be able to make a panel of three examiners laugh within five minutes while discussing a technical topic. Must have a demonstrated ability to fry any piece of electronic equipment on demand. Must have started at least five fist fights over on-air disputes. (Must bring police reports as documentation.) Frequency allocations: May transmit on ANY occupied frequency from DC to daylight. Power limit: 100 Godzillawatts.
NOTE: MORE CODE TESTING WILL **NOT** BE REQUIRED.
So start studying. Tain foar? TAIN FOAR!!
Break-broke.
But even when we DID have licenses, all we had to do to get them was send in an application and a few bucks. Then they did away with the few bucks part. I ask you this, I ask -- How much would YOU appreciate a license that required no effort on your part, and was FREE? Not much, I'd say. And it it showed in the poor operating skills and lack of personal pride in the average Chicken Bander pretty quickly.
So, as your Pope, I shall now declare that operation of a Chicken Band raydiddio will henceforth require sitting for an examination in the presence of the Chicken Band College of Cardinals.
Incentive Licensing, until recently a staple in the Amateur licensing structure, has been restored in the CB ranks. It's very easy to understand: An entry level license will be granted to simple people via a simple exam. A "step-up" license will be offered to more advanced applicants who have mastered such skills as being able to go to the bathroom by themselves. An intermediate license will be granted to operators who are nearly ready to go out in public with minimal supervision. An advanced license will be granted to only the most uppity elite elitist Chicken Banders, many of whom will simultaneously hold Amateur Radio NCT licenses.
The license classes, along with the requirements and privileges, are proposed as follows:
1) Entry level - "Mud Duck Class." Must demonstrate the ability to find the mic button within three tries. Must be able to count to five. (Use of fingers permitted!) Frequency allocations: CB channels 1 thru 5. (See why we test on the ability to count to five?) Modes: A0 (unmodulated carrier) only. This license is for newbie Chicken Banders who need to "get their feet wet." No modulation is permitted, since it's unlikely these operators will have anything worthwhile to say on a raydiddio anyway. However, these new operators can gain extensive hands-on practice "throwing carriers" on top of conversations in progress. This skill will become even more valuable as the new Chicken Bander advances and is using power in the multi-kilowatt range.
2) "Step-up" - "Duck Plucka Class." Must demonstrate ability to key microphone simultaneously with powering up the transceiver. Points will be deducted if the receiver audio can be heard before transmitting begins. Must be able to count to 21. (Use of any available digits or appendages permitted.) Frequency allocations: CB channels 38-40, and any frequency "north" of allocated CB frequencies. This license is for those interested in experimentation on the higher frequncies, just like the Amateur Technician was originally supposed to be. (Snicker...) Most likely, the vast majority of Duck Plucka licensees will spend all their time on channel 38 saying they are "listening." Veteran Duck Pluckas will learn to use more sophisticated terms such as "QSL" and "destinated."
3) Intermediate - "Ratchet Jaw Class." This is the "standard" Chicken Band license. Must demonstrate ability to speak for at least five minutes without actually saying anything. Must survive a fistfight with the examiner out behind the Burger King. Must demonstrate proficiency in ignoring requests for assistance. Hands-on examination: Must be able to render a factory-fresh Chicken Band rig totally inoperative within ten minutes using only one (1) Philips Head and one (1) flat head metal screwdriver. Frequency allocation: CB channels 1 thru 40 ONLY. (wink, wink) Power limit: 5 kilowatts.
4) Advanced - "Good Buddy Class." This is the "top of the line," and rated an even higher accomplishment than a Fifth Grade diploma. Applicant must be able to make a panel of three examiners laugh within five minutes while discussing a technical topic. Must have a demonstrated ability to fry any piece of electronic equipment on demand. Must have started at least five fist fights over on-air disputes. (Must bring police reports as documentation.) Frequency allocations: May transmit on ANY occupied frequency from DC to daylight. Power limit: 100 Godzillawatts.
NOTE: MORE CODE TESTING WILL **NOT** BE REQUIRED.
So start studying. Tain foar? TAIN FOAR!!
Break-broke.